The Pain in the Ass that is Personal Growth

I like to think that most of the time, I have a pretty good grip on myself.  When I don't, I usually know it. There are certain things, like loud conflicts and people poking me with sticks (literally or metaphorically) that I know put me on the precipice, but I try to be aware of them, and I do ok most of the time.  Some things sneak up on me; I was recently in a pretty impressive depression-pit, and I didn't really figure that out until I looked up.  But- you look up, you figure it out, you evaluate, and you start the process of rigging up your climbing gear and working your way back up again.  I'm not trying to downplay the experience, but that's my nutshell telling of some very deep shit.

So- that's a process, and one in which I've been being very good at practicing self-awareness. I am aware of the landmine field of crazy triggers, and I've been trying to navigate them with moderate to good success.  But yesterday, I quite by accident tripped over a mine that I didn't even know to be looking for.  And when that mine appeared...

I jumped on that motherfucker HARD.

Of course, stepping on a landmine is bad.  It knocks you back down into the pit a little bit, past the progress you already made and down into the dredges of "wait, haven't I already learned this lesson"?  Jumping on it on purpose is worse; not only did you do it to yourself but you knew better.  In a certain state of "no good can come of this," you engage in it knowing that whatever it brings is going to not make things any better.  Your reward?  You were right... but you knew that, and so all you really get is confirmation that you gambled your spot on the stability ladder, and you got knocked down a few good rungs, and you kind of deserved it.

So, now it's at the part to look at the next step.  Clearly, I need to build a fence around that landmine, for one.  Just because it got jumped on once doesn't mean it's dead.  Putting up a fence, though, means that I have to confront the situation that brought me the landmine head on, I have to make a new rule, I have to say "You don't get to tell me these things" and set up a boundary to keep myself safe.

I know it's not too much to ask, but I still hate asking.  To say "I need help from you in this specific form" is something that I have always been deeply uncomfortable with, but I guess this is my sign that I need to allow myself to ask for that help, to be a little vulnerable in making a request rather than to be exposed to something that I know is gonna set me back.

This sucks, so it must be some kind of progress.

Funny... I hate Coldplay, unless their songs are being sung by Not Coldplay.