"I'm lying in the gutter eating tootsie rolls..."

Sometimes, you're just having a conversation. A conversation about dinner, in this case.

And then the conversation takes a sharp turn to the left...

And you think to yourself "Is this guy for real? Is this a poor attempt at sexting?  PINK TUNA TACOS WITH SOUR CREAM? Worst euphemism ever.  You're going to get blocked, son. Not for being crass, but for doing it so poorly."

And then you think to yourself "Wow, I clearly need to get my mind out of the gutter and maybe go have some damn fish tacos."



Title credit: "Hurricane Party" by Paul Sanchez

The best way out of a difficulty is through it. -- Will Rogers

Sometimes, things are hard.

My cell phone does not work in my office. Due to location and carrier, I've got the "No Signal!!!" signal from the time I sit down til I leave... and yesterday, I didn't leave for lunch, so I was pretty much in a dead void for 9 hours. This isn't atypical; I really only leave for lunch about twice a week.

During those 9 hours, my father decided he hadn't talked to me in a few days.  This isn't accurate.  We spoke on Monday night, right before I went into the rink, but he forgot. He remembered calling me, but not my return call.  So he called me... and he called my sister. And he called a former co-worker, and then he called the police to report me missing.  By the time I got out of work, I had 7 voice mails from assorted people, including the Sheriff's department who ran my license, realized that I am 33 and not 25 (as reported) and realized that maybe they were dealing with a confused elderly person and did their best to calm him down.

So, I called my dad, and was kind of vilified as being a bad person due to a lack of communication that was entirely in his head.  I can't be mad at him, though. In addition to his other myriad of health conditions (including but not limited to sleep apnea, COPD, pain management treatments for his back, and emphysema) he's got early-onset Alzheimer's.  

And then there was the conclusion to the evening- a long conversation which ended in my feeling as though I'd been kind of rung through an entirely different set of emotional wringers, and then the nice deputy showed up to verify that I was indeed alive and well after I'd gotten home and the dust was already settled.

Annnd for the second night in a row, no sleep.

There are good things, though.  I have awesome people who rally at the drop of a pin to make sure that I know I'm loved, that I am aware that I'm doing as well as I can, and that I'm still fun to be around, even if I don't feel so fun.  The receptionists insisted that I give my dad a direct number so that if he's having a moment, he can call me, and they assured me it'd be no problem and were awesome this morning. Today, I get to meet my new niece or nephew on the ultrasound, and assuming they cooperate, I'll be helping Jordan plan and execute her reveal photos.

Time to focus on the good things.

The stairs creak as you sleep... or maybe it's that exploding munitions bunker.

So, about 11:30 last night, right as I had finally gotten nestled into the good sleeping arrangement between cats and pillows, there's a BOOM! and pictures fall off the wall.  This morning, I see this and the corresponding conspiracy theories... and I'm a touch floored and extremely amused.  The Cover Up story is that a bunker full of ammo exploded?  That's a lousy cover story.  In my way of thinking, you use the asteroid to cover up "we done exploded a bunch of ammo," not the other way around. I love Louisiana.

--
In the past few months, I have seriously seen my abilities as a skater improve. I'd hit a plateau for sure- and I've been pushing past it.  My endurance is stronger; my agility is improving.  I credit this to a number of things; when I came off the Nocturne trial this summer, I was starting back at barely better than "Fresh Meat," and I think I had some time in that break to un-remember some bad habits.  We have a new coach- and her style of instruction is good for me.  The addition of a weekly off-skates practice has allowed me to really do some good work on my weaknesses.  I'm practicing better awareness; awareness on the track, awareness of my body, awareness of my teammates' strengths and weaknesses, and how to supplement them.

All of these are good things...

If only I didn't feel like I am possibly causing damage to myself in the process.

It has been a year and a half since I injured my knee.  An ill-fitting 187 Pro kneepad and a concrete floor in Cenla last year resulted in a deep bruise, and since then, my right knee has been VERY prone to hurting more than it should, given what's going on.  A really good hit resulting in a hard knee drop last month is still causing pain. I can shake it off and keep skating- but should I?  I did last night, and a lap or two in it had dissipated, but it sucked like a mother first.  The shoulder that I separated last November is still having moments of aching; most are tolerable, but last week, I had to have it pushed back into it's socket from rolling out a bit, and that's not exactly ideal.  I did go to an ortho and PT for the shoulder.  I was released as being in "good shape" and I've consistently had a full range of motion.  It's possible that it's just going to be an achy shoulder forever.  Or it's possible that it didn't really heal, and eventually it's going to need surgical intervention.  Membership into the bionic rollergirl club is not something I covet.

BUT... I really, really, really want to finish this season out strong, and to be a part of something awesome next season. I am so stupidly proud of my league's development, and I think we've got positive forward momentum and it's only going to get better.  Sure, at some point I'll get myself a set of stripes and pull myself from the roster for good... but I am not ready to be thinking about that just yet.  Instead, I'm going to try to use the research I've done and the braintrust available to me and work harder at developing therapeutic and strengthening offskates work for myself, and see if I can't do myself a bit of good.

So, that's what I've got on my mind today as I try to get the bugs shaken out to prepare for an epic rematch against one of the nicest leagues we've ever played, CDD.

--

One of our new Fresh Meat refs who I have bonded with over music lately says this song reminds him of me. After about 15 listens, I've decided that this is an amazing compliment and I'm pretty happy about that.

About a girl

You know what I love, and I mean seriously, really, truly adore with every fiber of my angsty little being?

I love confident, funny, sarcastic, smart women.  The kind of women that less self-assured and less aware women are intimidated by... the ones that people say are bitches just because they're so damn fierce.

I've never really been an "embrace the sisterhood of womankind" kind of girl. I have female friends, but I'm pretty damn picky about them.  With women, I hate to say it, I kind of take the attitude of "I'm not going to bother committing your name to memory until you prove yourself to be either useful or entertaining."  That's a horrible thing to say- but there you go. They're just so flighty and hard to handle and... girls.   I never said I was a good person all the time.

SO... some months back, this tall leggy thing walks into the rink in the company of one of my favorite derby girls, and my first kneejerk response was "Oh, you're pretty and well put together.  Poor thing. Did you need help tying your shoes this morning?"  I'm also not a nice person all the time, especially in my head.

Of course, it wasn't long before I figured out that I was wrong... and this creature turned out to not only be pretty, but hilarious and smart and nice and with really good taste in female companions- just sayin'.  She has quickly become one of those people that I get happy about seeing, and even though I could give a damn less about football she seems to actually find my attempts at cheering for whomever to be funny, rather than wanting to slap me for not taking it seriously enough, already.  She doesn't fuck around when it's time to throw a party, either, and God knows that nothing can endear somebody to me faster than being a hostess with ambition.  She understands big words!  She has the best EVER "Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis?" face.  I'm pretty sure she's an elitist, too, which is fine with me- she likes me, so that's cool.  

So, in honor of my current favoritest hetero-girl crush, Denise - a series of haiku.

How many have you?

Converse to go with all things.

Colorful Shoe Girl.

30th birthday

"nerd" theme. Photo booth pictures

not put online. YAY!

An epic hostess

Even has hot dogs! Forgot

the buns... it's ok.

I say "YES! TEAM! GO!"

No clue who I'm cheering for.

Does not bitchslap me.

Got drunk. Was asshole.

She thinks I'm hilarious.

I think I'll keep her. 

So, even though there's documentation out there on the Facebook of her mugging with Sarah Palin... I've ruled that this one is a keeper, which means she's basically stuck with me for the rest of forever.  Way to go, Denise.  YOU GET TO KEEP ME!

The Hamster Ball of Solitude

I really like people an awful lot. I like social situations, though I want to be in them with at least a few people who I know well- you'll never catch me just crashing a Toastmasters meeting.  I like stuff like public speaking, as long as I really know the subject matter, and I'm good at it.  Some people will identify me as loud. Exuberant.  Pushy. Bossy.  All true, depending on the context, but I'm also shy, quiet, and sensitive, often to an extreme.

The more noticeable attributes there give some people the idea that I'm an extrovert, but I'm not.  I want to be, sometimes, but the fact of it is that all that social stuff I love to do wears me out and makes me absolutely need to just be alone and quiet and inwardly focused for awhile.  Sometimes I can plan that out and have good awareness of what my available energy for interaction is; some days I end up getting hit by an energy-sucking situation and I end up running at a deficit for the rest of the day or until whenever it is that I can get into my hamster ball.

Source: http://sveidt.deviantart.com/art/How-to-Live-with-Introverts-291305760 .  Best I can tell, that's the original artist.

EvilSara posted a snippet from the above comic to Facebook some time back; the 4th image down and it's accompanying caption.  As soon as I saw that I immediately replaced the meditation scenario I use for grounding myself- my safe place became a hamster ball.  Then I found the entire comic today, and nearly cried at the "SOMEBODY GETS IT!" of it all.

I feel like I definitely need to make myself some hamsterball time today, and maybe tomorrow, too.  I'm feeling wrung out and tired.  Jimmy Buffet (Boats, Beaches, Bars, and Ballads) is keeping me in a pretty good place, but I still feel like the bucket is kind of empty and I need to chill with a book and a cat and fill it back up... weekend's coming, you know, even if it's still 4 days away.

Weekend Success Analysis: 8.5 of 10!

Friday:

Jordan was going to go along with me, but due to her feeling icky, Aarin went with me instead.  We gave a good effort towards seeing all of the films, but in the street there was live funk... and a truck with really good tortas. And beer.  And PEOPLE!  Combine two people with ADD tendencies and tell them they need to sit still for 4 hours, and let me know how that works out for you.  We both saw a handful of folks that we knew and kind of just had a nice evening wondering around and catching up and enjoying a gorgeous downtown night.
Score:  7 of 10
Favorite films that we actually did see- Sock Monkey, This is my Microphone.

Saturday:

 

(Part 1)

Meh.  Laundry happened. The kitchen was tidied.  I took out some trash.  It was 'k.

Score: 5 of 10

I did it... but I didn't mean it.

 +

I baked cookies while cleaning and headed over to Jenny and Denise's to "watch football."  I'm not good at this, but I had a fantastic time.  I didn't knit much, but I did eat an awful lot, and I got to spend time with Roy who is far too scarce these days.  Jenny and Denise have the coolest friends... I think I was there for 3 hours, but it felt more like 10 minutes. Time just flew.  

Score: 9 of 10.  The 9 is only because I still don't understand what the hell is going on in that damn game.

The game wasn't quite over, but I needed to unglue Jenn from the TV so that we could go see...

I still miss JP and Sonia... and amazing, talented, sexy Paul Sanchez- but it was good.  Bre, Jenn and I attached ourselves to the railing while trying to give an acceptable personal space bubble to the trio next to us in the Vibram Five-fingers (EW).  I didn't try to note the setlist this time around, but they played enough of their old stuff that I got to scream my face off as I sang along and enough of their new stuff to make it a "new" concert experience, rather than being a repeat of the other 18 or so I've seen- but that's just kind of what they do.  I hope that "Iko Iko" stays on their setlist; "Blues at Bay" and "Drama" are probably going to become favorites once I've heard the new album, "This Train" another 10 times or so.  As predicted, I left with sore feet, a sore face, sore hands, and feeling like I'd just been to the best revival/exorcism of my life (experience limited, btw- I'm just guessing).  The show felt short.  We talked about going to the afterparty... but we didn't.  I went home instead.

Score: 12 of 10.

(Part 2)

So, I get home, and I'm on the phone with Sabine, and I have ALL THIS ENERGY... and before long, the entire contents of my closet (which is a small room, really) are in my bedroom.  4 hours later, I finally unearth my bed; 2 bags of trash, 2 bags of donations, and a dining room table FULL of things for the yard sale were the result.

Score: 8 of 0 (it was an accidental cleaning, after all).

Sunday:

I have a kitten.  I'm never going to sleep late again.

Score: 1 of 10

(part 2 3)

More of the undoing of the great messiness of Saturday night.  Aarin and Liam came over and Liam and I took a lovely nap while watching Mythbusters while Aarin got my chainsaw working and did some sawing.  It's been a really long time since I got to cuddle with a baby for sleeping- thankfully, they're doing their part and the second one is incubating now, guaranteeing that I'm set in that department for a few more years.

Score: 10 of 10

Knotta and I had a great workout in the park; we did ALL the crunches and ALL the crossover lunges and the only downside at all is that none of our other teammates came along... but it happens. We did our part, had a great workout, and I managed to get home in time to take a bath and fall asleep watching The Walking Dead.  

Score: 8 of 10 

Weekend plans breakdown, in pictures:


Friday:

Saturday:

First...

And then...

(well, not really. My friends are going to watch that while I:)

Followed by heading to 

for

Sunday:

and

and maybe more

The End.

B.Y.O.U.

I've got the dress ordered; I'm getting the shoes worked out; my toast is actually already halfway written....

And now I have just a month and a half to find the unicorn I'm going to take as my +1.

There are worse problems to have, I'm sure - but if anybody has a spare unicorn hanging out, hook a sister up, will ya?

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Title credit: Mark Twain


A friend told me about mindbump.com, a generator that provides random user-submitted blog-prompts. This is far preferable to the "write every day" prompt sets I've found... I don't want to tell you about my favorite piece of furniture, or take you on a verbal tour of my pantry, or photograph the contents of my fridge.

So anyhow- today's prompt... 

"You get to plan your own funeral.  What flowers do you want, and what songs do you want played?"

Maybe it's because I have always worn way too much black, or maybe it's because I have a disease that makes a habit of knocking people off young, or maybe it's just because I'm a forward thinker in some departments - this isn't even a hard subject for me.  I've got this nailed down, and the people who need to know about my wants and wishes either already have the info, or it's prepared for their use when they do need it.  The concept of death isn't quite as scary to me as the concept of dying without having my shit together; analyze that for what you will.  All that being said- don't you DARE interpret this as any kind of "sign" or need for action... I'm doing well.  I'm not sicker than I let on, and I have no plans of this being needed anytime in the near future, k?  K.  I'm just trying to write more, and not about things like housecats or diet plans.

So... flowers.  I don't care about what they are, or their colors. I care that they're live, because live flowers are some of my favorite things in the world, and I prefer that they're not roses- because roses are stupidly expensive because of the cultural sentiments attached to them, and you can have like, 70 daisies instead of 12 roses, and wouldn't you rather have 70 daisies?  Roses have a time and place, for sure... but not at my funeral.  Seasonal and fragrant and pretty are what matters.

Slide show!  Oh, absolutely.  My life is FUN and has been documented well, thus far, and I'm nonphotogenic enough that the pictures of me floating around out there are sure to get a giggle or two... but as much as I love them, Squid and Mouse don't get to build the slide show since they have the absolute worst of the bad photos in their possession.  Sabine and Sara get that responsibility.

Music?  Yes, please.  The recessional shall be "Pocket Full of Sunshine," because I know that that song elicits the dumbest grins in some of the people that I love the most.  Somewhere in there, "Foot of Canal Street" needs to make an appearance (the Paul Sanchez or Cowboy Mouth version, plz, no offense to John Boutte).  Other than that?  Whatever will make people happy, but no "End of the Road," no "Freebird," no songs designed to increase the sobbing factor.

Eulogies!  Oh.... wow. I could totally write a wishlist for that department.  Having delivered a couple of my own, though, I know it'd be a really crappy thing to do to have personal requests planned out, because sometimes, people don't WANT to go to a funeral, or they're not going to be in the mindset to speak.  BUT- I'm surrounded by wellspoken, flattering, verbose people... and it'll be covered.  Humorous recollections are encouraged.  If my funeral turns out to be a roast at which I don't get to give the final speech, that's cool.  Open mic? Why not.

Of course, I do want to be cremated... and I want something epic done with my cremains.  Scatter them into a fire at the funeral's after party, or take them into the mountains or divvy me up into lockets or whatever... the after doesn't really matter as long as it's done with love, which is pretty much how I think about the whole thing.

As for everything else?  It'll work itself out.  Sara and Sabine get to circumnavigate the depths of my will, mostly by making sure all of my cool stuff goes to good homes and any cats I have at the time live fat, happy lives with lots of sunbeams...

...but that's still a long, long time away.  

"I'm not sure if I sent you that problem, or if I just Tyler Durden'd it."

Figments of the imagination have been on my mind lately, and the quote above was a statement made to me by a client today that completely goes along with some of those thoughts.

Perceptions of actions and inactions, more specifically, have been on my mind- but what's a perception if it's not something you're making up as you go?  I have control of my actions and my words, but I don't have even a modicum of control over what you think of my actions or what I say.  

Tyler Durdening as a verb isn't very nice, is it?  It's crazy. It goes too far.  It goes off the handle with little provocation and it makes a mess and by the time you realize that you're doing it to yourself, you're about to blow some shit up.I know my perceptions sometimes fall into this category.  I can take a simple bit of apathy and translate it into neglect. I can morph polite interest into a kindred spirit.  I can turn nothing at all into something huge... but I can be aware, right?  And maybe by being aware that I sometimes react in a big way, I can keep in mind whether or not those reactions are proportionate to their catalysts.

Slightly related but not entirely, EvilSara has encouraged me to read the Five Love Languages, which I have to admit is coming off as very "Chicken Soup for the Soul," but I am reading it and trying to keep an open mind, because I love her, and... well, it was time for a break from the vampire fiction, anyway.  

--

Playlist inspired by the TCK bout in September against Northside Fury, who beat us by two points and has signed our dance card for next Season already:

Music To Punch People By:

Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit

Somebody to Shove - Soul Asylum

Bound for the Floor - Local H

Master of Puppets - Metallica

Faith - Limp Bizkit

Killing in the Name - Rage Against the Machine

Headstrong - Trapt

Bodies - Drowning Pool

Down with the Sickness - Disturbed

I Don't Wish You Were Dead Anymore - Bowling For Soup

Don't Start No Sh*t - Mia X, Master P

She Hates Me- Puddle of Mudd

ATTACK- 30 Seconds to Mars

I wanna be Your Dog - Dakar & Grinser

Remember the Name - Fort Minor

Always Something - Cage the Elephant

There's a War Going on for Your Mind - Flobots

Punch You in the Jeans - Lonely Island

Az Unity - Bass Blak, ME, Jae Lei

Here it Goes Again- OK Go

We Hate Everyone- Type O Negative

Handlebars - Flobots

Mother - Danzig

Damn! Feat. Lil' Jon - Youngbloodz

DOA  - Foo Fighters