I don't like the word "hate". Words have power and I feel like if you give something the power of your hate you are empowering that thing... giving it leverage over you. So instead... well... this.
Dear Me,
You're not intrinsically a bad person. You don't usually wake up in the morning thinking "Hmmm, who can I make miserable today?" and it's been ages- like EVER- since you kicked a puppy or took candy from a baby. You are the kind of girl who gets actual honest-to-god JOY out of making other people happy...
So it makes no damn sense, whatsoever, that you always jump to take the bullets of other people's unhappiness, when most of the time they have nothing to do with you at all. If somebody doesn't show up for a party- you're convinced that it's because you're there. If somebody doesn't smile at you, they can't just be having a crappy day. You KNOW that they can't stand you and it's all your fault. Being a bit insecure about some things is fine, but unless you have constant validation from other sources, you're a mess that tangles her mess up with other peoples' messes and just makes a bigger mess. It's not up to you to take their burden upon your own shoulders, especially not without their consent. They're going to be fine... probably more fine if you don't meddle. People know you're competent- if they need you, they'll ask. Really. You have your own problems to worry about, you know.
You have ugly feet. Your hair is limp and lifeless. You talk too much, especially when you're nervous, and even though you've lost weight, you are STILL too damn fat for your own good. Maybe keep your nose in your own problems and work on those while you're waiting for somebody else to need rescuing. Hell, it couldn't hurt. Do some crunches while you wait. Or squats. Squats are good.
Furthermore- you want to compliment-fish and you feel like you have to do more than everybody else does just to prove that you're worthy to be around, but then you want to be all martyr and you can't have it both ways. You put undue pressure on the people who love you to provide you with validation for your existence... and you know what? It's not their job. Their job might be to love you but they don't have to coddle you. You're a grownup. Get over yourself.
Sure, you can fake self-esteem, but could you maybe just go get some and stop faking it so damn much? It's exhausting, and it's unnecessary. If you spent half as much time on actual self improvement as you did changing clothes 18 times before you left the house, you'd probably be halfway there by now... and you'd get to places on time, too. People are either going to like you or they aren't, and you can't do much about that. What you can do something about is not needing their approval for every. damn. thing. you. do.
Love,
Me
PS: Don't get all emo. The good stuff comes tomorrow... and it'll be worth it.
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge Prompty List.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Landmine practice and female bonding
If you ever want to come to terms with your own morality, go to an open skate night at a rink that is hosting a fundraiser for a Church's youth group. There had to be 200 people there tonight, and well over half were under 4'5"... all of which had been cooped up indoors all day, fed a hearty dose of caffeine, and then turned loose like a pack of wild hyenas. Hyenas with wheels on their feet.
Some rinks have established rules- go this direction only, unless told otherwise. Fast to the inside (or vice versa). Do the jam skating and other fancy stuff to the inside, or whatever. Rules.
This is not that rink.
I don't handle change well, if it's not a change I'm hoping for. I'm stubborn that way. 90% of my skating experience lately (which is most of my skating experience, truthfully) has consisted of some variation of "skate with grownups, hopefully go fast, turn left." My initial gut reaction to the crowd and chaos was "nothing good shall come of this." Then one of the girls said something about it being an exercise in observation, and my gears thankfully shifted. I stopped worrying so much about speed and technique and keeping up with somebody specific and instead tried to pay more attention to things like who was where, what was moving, and which child was gunning for me and figuring out evasive techniques that didn't involve falling down... and it turned out to be a good exercise. Roller Derby is about those things, too, and although in an ideal world nobody is just going to run across the track mid-jam, being aware of things that are out of the ordinary is probably a great skill to have.
And speaking of the girls- after practice, I went for a drink with two of my teammates and it turned into a great bonding experience! All around, a good night, and a nice start to the festivities that will usher in my favorite holiday of the year.
I'm a happy girl tonight... happy, but tired.
Some rinks have established rules- go this direction only, unless told otherwise. Fast to the inside (or vice versa). Do the jam skating and other fancy stuff to the inside, or whatever. Rules.
This is not that rink.
I don't handle change well, if it's not a change I'm hoping for. I'm stubborn that way. 90% of my skating experience lately (which is most of my skating experience, truthfully) has consisted of some variation of "skate with grownups, hopefully go fast, turn left." My initial gut reaction to the crowd and chaos was "nothing good shall come of this." Then one of the girls said something about it being an exercise in observation, and my gears thankfully shifted. I stopped worrying so much about speed and technique and keeping up with somebody specific and instead tried to pay more attention to things like who was where, what was moving, and which child was gunning for me and figuring out evasive techniques that didn't involve falling down... and it turned out to be a good exercise. Roller Derby is about those things, too, and although in an ideal world nobody is just going to run across the track mid-jam, being aware of things that are out of the ordinary is probably a great skill to have.
And speaking of the girls- after practice, I went for a drink with two of my teammates and it turned into a great bonding experience! All around, a good night, and a nice start to the festivities that will usher in my favorite holiday of the year.
I'm a happy girl tonight... happy, but tired.
A great way to kick off a new year....
I make no promises about going in order... and I'm not even going to promise that I'll do them all, but I'm going to give it a shot. Fair? Fair.
Edited to add: A strikethrough represents a challenge that I have determined is just too Eeyore for my personal tastes.
30 Days of Truth
Edited to add: A strikethrough represents a challenge that I have determined is just too Eeyore for my personal tastes.
30 Days of Truth
- Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.
- Day 02 — Something you love about yourself.
- Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.
- Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.
- Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.
- Day
256— The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
- Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.
- Day
0608— Something you hope you never have to do. - Day 09 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
- Day 10 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 11 — Something you never get compliments on.Day 12 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.Day 13 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.- Day 14 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 15 — A hero that has let you down. (letter)- Day 16 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
- Day 17 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.
- Day 18 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
- Day 19 — Your views on gay marriage.
- Day 20 — What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
- Day 21 — Your views on drugs and alcohol.
- Day 22 — (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
- Day 23 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
- Day 24 — Something you wish you had done in your life.
- Day 25 — Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
- Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
- Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?
- Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
- Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
- Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Prompted: Winter Weather
How does the cold winter weather and shorter days affect your mood or outlook on life? What if winter lasted year-round?
I have a love/hate relationship with winter. I like being warm- once I get cold, I'm a miserable girl, and that point hits at about 70 degrees. This problem has gotten more pronounced with weight loss, and I frequently bemoan that I want my fat back (though I'm lying, I really am). I really do try not to be a whiner, but no holds are barred when it comes to being cold. Whining generates warmth, I'm convinced.
Even though I burn to a crisp with SPF 90 on my skin, I like the summer better as far as seasons go. The days are longer, and I can come home, spend a few hours mowing grass, get in an outdoor exercise of some sort, and STILL have time left over. I can putter in the yard. I can sit on the back porch with a book or my phone. I can leave the doors open and let the sunlight in, and all of those things agree with me quite nicely.
But "together" time happens better in the winter. Winter means puppy-piles with my loved ones in front of a fireplace, or watching a movie. Winter is when I get to lie underneath my Christmas Tree and look up at the lights while my kitchen gets trashed because Aarin decided to make biegnets at 2 AM, and then there's going to be powdered sugar on the ceiling and every pot is going to be dirty. Winter means New Years' Eve, which is my favorite holiday of the year.
Winter means it gets dark earlier, so there's adequate time for "quiet time" activities that never happen enough in the summer. Sewing, or reading a book. Watching a movie after work because it's too dark to be out in the yard being useful. It is easier to get depressed or down in the winter, but it's also easier to deal with that because everybody else is bored, too, so finding company in a friend who can alleviate those symptoms (or even just listen to them) is easier. Phone lines seem shorter when it's darker and drearier.
Winter is a time for introspection, for quiet pondering, for being thoughtful and getting your beauty sleep. Summer is for doing, for being more active, for fireworks, for grilling. Both are necessary, both are good, and I don't think I'd want either of them to last all year long.
And man, I'm kind of ready for Summer to get here already.
*And no, I didn't bother mentioning Autumn or Spring because.... really, this is the South. It's not like they exist.
I have a love/hate relationship with winter. I like being warm- once I get cold, I'm a miserable girl, and that point hits at about 70 degrees. This problem has gotten more pronounced with weight loss, and I frequently bemoan that I want my fat back (though I'm lying, I really am). I really do try not to be a whiner, but no holds are barred when it comes to being cold. Whining generates warmth, I'm convinced.
Even though I burn to a crisp with SPF 90 on my skin, I like the summer better as far as seasons go. The days are longer, and I can come home, spend a few hours mowing grass, get in an outdoor exercise of some sort, and STILL have time left over. I can putter in the yard. I can sit on the back porch with a book or my phone. I can leave the doors open and let the sunlight in, and all of those things agree with me quite nicely.
But "together" time happens better in the winter. Winter means puppy-piles with my loved ones in front of a fireplace, or watching a movie. Winter is when I get to lie underneath my Christmas Tree and look up at the lights while my kitchen gets trashed because Aarin decided to make biegnets at 2 AM, and then there's going to be powdered sugar on the ceiling and every pot is going to be dirty. Winter means New Years' Eve, which is my favorite holiday of the year.
Winter means it gets dark earlier, so there's adequate time for "quiet time" activities that never happen enough in the summer. Sewing, or reading a book. Watching a movie after work because it's too dark to be out in the yard being useful. It is easier to get depressed or down in the winter, but it's also easier to deal with that because everybody else is bored, too, so finding company in a friend who can alleviate those symptoms (or even just listen to them) is easier. Phone lines seem shorter when it's darker and drearier.
Winter is a time for introspection, for quiet pondering, for being thoughtful and getting your beauty sleep. Summer is for doing, for being more active, for fireworks, for grilling. Both are necessary, both are good, and I don't think I'd want either of them to last all year long.
And man, I'm kind of ready for Summer to get here already.
*And no, I didn't bother mentioning Autumn or Spring because.... really, this is the South. It's not like they exist.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
"go, go, roller girl, look at that girl roll..."
"Roller Derby? WTF?"--everybody I know.
It's not a great story, honestly. Sure, I saw Whip It, because I have a totally platonic girlcrush on both Drew Barrymore and Ellen Page. It was a good movie, and I thought "that looks fun" and the thought left my mind shortly thereafter.
I'd been working out at a martial arts gym for several months and seeing great results, but two problems were brewing. The first was strictly personal- I was no longer feeling as challenged as I had been in the beginning because my body adapted to the workout. My nephrologist had told me in no uncertain terms that I was NEVER going to be cleared for a sport in which the kidneys were a legal target and body padding was verboten, so the half-contact cardio class was as good as it was going to get for me. Then one night at the weekly Trivia game I sometimes frequent, my roommate heard from another team that there was a Roller Derby team in town, and we did some Googling and sent some emails. I called my doctor and we talked about it, and I checked it out and kinda fell in love with his blessing. It turns out that this happened at the exact same time that there was High Drama developing in the World of Ninjas - nothing to do with my class specifically, but the gym I was at was having a major power struggle between the two owners, and both of them were stressing me out. Roller Derby team membership is less expensive. It's roughly the same time investment. The Derby team appeared to have less drama. It was an easy decision.
Let me say- I'm not a girl with a history of athleticism. In school I was the girl who would go work in the library rather than go to P.E. Also, I hadn't been on skates since before I had a license, probably. I'm in better shape than I've ever been now, though, and I have a serious desire to be challenged physically and get more healthy. This is great for that- I've yet to leave a practice not feeling a bit wobbly, and due to the fact that it is a competitive sport there is never going to be a sense of having gotten as good as you can get. There's room for improvement... and the part of me that grew up in a trailer park LOVES the kitchy factor of trashy clothing and knocking girls around. And finally- the ladies are amazing. I wouldn't say I've gotten particularly close with them yet, but they're just nice people, and we all know what a sucker I am for nice people. There's a social aspect- and when all of your nearest and dearest live at a distance, that's handy. It's been awhile since I had buddies to hang out with locally outside of my roommate and a few other acquaintances.
So- that's it. For me, right now, this is a sport and social group that makes good sense. There was no magical lightbulb moment, but there have been many since I found it, and for each one of them, I'm grateful.
Title credit: "Roller Derby Saved my Soul" by Uncle Leon and the Alibis
It's not a great story, honestly. Sure, I saw Whip It, because I have a totally platonic girlcrush on both Drew Barrymore and Ellen Page. It was a good movie, and I thought "that looks fun" and the thought left my mind shortly thereafter.
I'd been working out at a martial arts gym for several months and seeing great results, but two problems were brewing. The first was strictly personal- I was no longer feeling as challenged as I had been in the beginning because my body adapted to the workout. My nephrologist had told me in no uncertain terms that I was NEVER going to be cleared for a sport in which the kidneys were a legal target and body padding was verboten, so the half-contact cardio class was as good as it was going to get for me. Then one night at the weekly Trivia game I sometimes frequent, my roommate heard from another team that there was a Roller Derby team in town, and we did some Googling and sent some emails. I called my doctor and we talked about it, and I checked it out and kinda fell in love with his blessing. It turns out that this happened at the exact same time that there was High Drama developing in the World of Ninjas - nothing to do with my class specifically, but the gym I was at was having a major power struggle between the two owners, and both of them were stressing me out. Roller Derby team membership is less expensive. It's roughly the same time investment. The Derby team appeared to have less drama. It was an easy decision.
Let me say- I'm not a girl with a history of athleticism. In school I was the girl who would go work in the library rather than go to P.E. Also, I hadn't been on skates since before I had a license, probably. I'm in better shape than I've ever been now, though, and I have a serious desire to be challenged physically and get more healthy. This is great for that- I've yet to leave a practice not feeling a bit wobbly, and due to the fact that it is a competitive sport there is never going to be a sense of having gotten as good as you can get. There's room for improvement... and the part of me that grew up in a trailer park LOVES the kitchy factor of trashy clothing and knocking girls around. And finally- the ladies are amazing. I wouldn't say I've gotten particularly close with them yet, but they're just nice people, and we all know what a sucker I am for nice people. There's a social aspect- and when all of your nearest and dearest live at a distance, that's handy. It's been awhile since I had buddies to hang out with locally outside of my roommate and a few other acquaintances.
So- that's it. For me, right now, this is a sport and social group that makes good sense. There was no magical lightbulb moment, but there have been many since I found it, and for each one of them, I'm grateful.
Title credit: "Roller Derby Saved my Soul" by Uncle Leon and the Alibis
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
"She's not crazy, knock on wood, just a little misunderstood"
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein
It's not a secret- I've been playing the "Do you like Pina Coladas?" Game, as a dear one refers to it. I'm talking about the game that is internet dating... and you know what? I'm finally willing to say it. I do not like that game.
It's a conundrum of sorts to be an in-betweener in the dating world. I'm in between EVERYTHING, I think. I am not looking for a husband, nor am I looking for a one-night stand. I'm somewhere in that black void between being a BBW and a normal girl, and trust me when I say- target audiences VARY there. I'm not looking for Mr. Right Now for sure, but I'm not beating the bushes to try to flush out Mr. Right, either-- and for that, I'm not certain there is a target audience at all.
I like to date, don't get me wrong. I like to have somebody to go out with, to talk to and text with 90 times a day and to make plans with... and yeah, that other stuff. I do not enjoy the "go out with Joey on Tuesday and Fred on Thursday and work Todd in on weekends" thing- I do not have that sort of attention span. And, well, I don't want to go from Zero-to-Shacked Up right now.
Historically, the people I've dated and not had bad endings with have been people that I knew first as friends or at least acquaintances, and as a result, when we emerged on the other side of whatever had evolved, we were still friends but with more history and more understanding of one another. I like that. It appeals to my sense of building relationships as a form of investment and it dispels the concept that people are disposable. I mean, really... I kind of look at a "significant other" for lack of a better term as a friend with an add-on package. I've still got to have the same ability to have a conversation and share a joke and build a sense of rapport, and then after that, there's all the other stuff. If the other stuff goes away, the foundation is still there. So, with that being the sort of person I am, the "audition" aspect of meeting a stranger to see if there's a romantic connection is just flat out exhausting. It's nerve-racking, a little bit humiliating, and kind of like a trip to a seedy strip club, it leaves you feeling a bit dirty when you're done, even if all you did was get a handshake and a cup of coffee.
Before this past year or so, I'd only dabbled in the world of E-Dating once (that once that I got 'fired' by eHarmony, specifically, which should have been a sign), and it wasn't good then. Take two hasn't been much better. This past year has introduced me to a handful of friends... and a handful of people who I had one visit with, and then through some unspoken agreement of The Way Things Work, communication just never happened again. I only had one truly BAD experience, all told, but still... yes, I'm grateful to have made new friends, but I'm not built for the obstacle course. The apprehension beforehand of whether you're wearing the right thing, or whether or not you're going to end up at Captive Dinner Theatre with bad chemistry and a slow waiter. The apprehension afterward... if you felt something and they didn't, there's rejection. If they did and you didn't, there's the need to be nice about it but still be firm in the rejection process. And then if you both felt something, there's the issue of there being chemistry with no foundation of anything, which is just outside my comfort zone.
Anyhow- the bottom line is, while I love meeting new people, I've FINALLY come to the conclusion that this is not the way for me to do it. I can't determine, upon saying a first 'hello' what I'm looking for when I'm looking at the other side of that conversation. I just do not have the ability to tunnel-vision that way, to say "well, I have these positions open and maybe you can fill in here." I'm basically a happy person who doesn't usually feel a particular void that can be so easily labeled, and I find more joy in just organically figuring out that this new person is exactly the thing I didn't know I was looking for... even if it's just as a new movie buddy, or sushi partner, or whatever.
So, I think I'm going to try out the thing that's worked so well for me before... being friendly and keeping my mind open, but doing it in person and not judging a book by the flyleaf (which is really what a dating profile is, IMO)... and not getting in a hurry.
I had this conversation with a beloved one yesterday, and she wanted to know if this was "because" of something. Ah.... no simple answers. Yes, and no. It was a very recent conversation with an internet-acquaintance-gone-realtime that spurred the thought process, but that's not an attribution of credit for a decision, just for a thought that lead to another one. I'm not feeling burned or burned-out, just redirected. Redirection isn't bad at all, and honestly, I just feel the biggest sense of relief now that I've given myself permission to do what it is that I do the most comfortably.
And I still hate Pina Coladas.
title credit: Misunderstood, Better than Ezra
It's not a secret- I've been playing the "Do you like Pina Coladas?" Game, as a dear one refers to it. I'm talking about the game that is internet dating... and you know what? I'm finally willing to say it. I do not like that game.
It's a conundrum of sorts to be an in-betweener in the dating world. I'm in between EVERYTHING, I think. I am not looking for a husband, nor am I looking for a one-night stand. I'm somewhere in that black void between being a BBW and a normal girl, and trust me when I say- target audiences VARY there. I'm not looking for Mr. Right Now for sure, but I'm not beating the bushes to try to flush out Mr. Right, either-- and for that, I'm not certain there is a target audience at all.
I like to date, don't get me wrong. I like to have somebody to go out with, to talk to and text with 90 times a day and to make plans with... and yeah, that other stuff. I do not enjoy the "go out with Joey on Tuesday and Fred on Thursday and work Todd in on weekends" thing- I do not have that sort of attention span. And, well, I don't want to go from Zero-to-Shacked Up right now.
Historically, the people I've dated and not had bad endings with have been people that I knew first as friends or at least acquaintances, and as a result, when we emerged on the other side of whatever had evolved, we were still friends but with more history and more understanding of one another. I like that. It appeals to my sense of building relationships as a form of investment and it dispels the concept that people are disposable. I mean, really... I kind of look at a "significant other" for lack of a better term as a friend with an add-on package. I've still got to have the same ability to have a conversation and share a joke and build a sense of rapport, and then after that, there's all the other stuff. If the other stuff goes away, the foundation is still there. So, with that being the sort of person I am, the "audition" aspect of meeting a stranger to see if there's a romantic connection is just flat out exhausting. It's nerve-racking, a little bit humiliating, and kind of like a trip to a seedy strip club, it leaves you feeling a bit dirty when you're done, even if all you did was get a handshake and a cup of coffee.
Before this past year or so, I'd only dabbled in the world of E-Dating once (that once that I got 'fired' by eHarmony, specifically, which should have been a sign), and it wasn't good then. Take two hasn't been much better. This past year has introduced me to a handful of friends... and a handful of people who I had one visit with, and then through some unspoken agreement of The Way Things Work, communication just never happened again. I only had one truly BAD experience, all told, but still... yes, I'm grateful to have made new friends, but I'm not built for the obstacle course. The apprehension beforehand of whether you're wearing the right thing, or whether or not you're going to end up at Captive Dinner Theatre with bad chemistry and a slow waiter. The apprehension afterward... if you felt something and they didn't, there's rejection. If they did and you didn't, there's the need to be nice about it but still be firm in the rejection process. And then if you both felt something, there's the issue of there being chemistry with no foundation of anything, which is just outside my comfort zone.
Anyhow- the bottom line is, while I love meeting new people, I've FINALLY come to the conclusion that this is not the way for me to do it. I can't determine, upon saying a first 'hello' what I'm looking for when I'm looking at the other side of that conversation. I just do not have the ability to tunnel-vision that way, to say "well, I have these positions open and maybe you can fill in here." I'm basically a happy person who doesn't usually feel a particular void that can be so easily labeled, and I find more joy in just organically figuring out that this new person is exactly the thing I didn't know I was looking for... even if it's just as a new movie buddy, or sushi partner, or whatever.
So, I think I'm going to try out the thing that's worked so well for me before... being friendly and keeping my mind open, but doing it in person and not judging a book by the flyleaf (which is really what a dating profile is, IMO)... and not getting in a hurry.
I had this conversation with a beloved one yesterday, and she wanted to know if this was "because" of something. Ah.... no simple answers. Yes, and no. It was a very recent conversation with an internet-acquaintance-gone-realtime that spurred the thought process, but that's not an attribution of credit for a decision, just for a thought that lead to another one. I'm not feeling burned or burned-out, just redirected. Redirection isn't bad at all, and honestly, I just feel the biggest sense of relief now that I've given myself permission to do what it is that I do the most comfortably.
And I still hate Pina Coladas.
title credit: Misunderstood, Better than Ezra
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Stagnation is bad. That's how mosquitos happen.
"Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation... even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind." -- Leonardo DaVinci
So here we are, a preemptive New Years' Change (I hate resolutions) to start talking at the internet again. I've decided that part of my problem is needing a change of view. While I still love my old blog, everything it taught me and all of the memories and lessons it holds, it feels a bit like my childhood bedroom; important, but outgrown. I'm not the same girl who started that space, nor who quit using it- I've changed. While it may be possible that a redesign might make it functional to my needs again, maybe it's better to leave it there to represent the function that it did serve, once, and move on to new vistas. Uncharted territory, and this time, hosted by a party that takes care of the security updates for me... not that that really has anything to do with anything. Anyhow. I'm going to try to live here for awhile, and see how it treats me, and beerwithastraw.com is still sitting there for the time being.
I've wanted to put my mind back to writing for some time, but it hasn't worked. I have a blog. I have a Facebook. I have notebooks and a smartphone and absolutely no excuse for not having doing it other than simply- I haven't, because I haven't made myself.. Blogging has always been my favorite form of writing; it allows all of the permanency of a journal while still indulging the need to be seen, but Facebook doesn't cut it. Perhaps that's the difference between being a bit scandalous and a full out exhibitionist, figuratively speaking. Blogging is putting something out there, knowing that people will see it if you tell them and risking that you'll get spotted by a stranger. Facebooking is more like standing on a podium and saying "Here it is, I'm being brilliant for you, validate me (please)." Facebook is the nightclub of the internet, and I've always thought of a blog as being more of a small in-home party with the chance for a door crasher now and then.
I don't actually say anything on the internet that I'm afraid of being seen. There's no such thing as internet privacy but having an awareness of who's going to be looking definitely alters your voice. There- it's more for you. Here, it's more for me, but there is still a chance for feedback given to those who care to to have words to say.
So, this is my first step towards re-exercising my writing muscles- or rather, a declaration that that is my intent. I don't even have a solid idea as of yet as to what the topic spectrum is going to cover. Roller derby, I suspect, as it is my current and most time-consuming passion, will take up a chunk. My fantastic family of amazing friends is always front-and-center, of course, because it's hard to be in love with people without wanting to talk about them. My personal life? Well... maybe. I've had a lot of eye-opening realizations lately but that might be getting too personal. We'll see.
So here we are, a preemptive New Years' Change (I hate resolutions) to start talking at the internet again. I've decided that part of my problem is needing a change of view. While I still love my old blog, everything it taught me and all of the memories and lessons it holds, it feels a bit like my childhood bedroom; important, but outgrown. I'm not the same girl who started that space, nor who quit using it- I've changed. While it may be possible that a redesign might make it functional to my needs again, maybe it's better to leave it there to represent the function that it did serve, once, and move on to new vistas. Uncharted territory, and this time, hosted by a party that takes care of the security updates for me... not that that really has anything to do with anything. Anyhow. I'm going to try to live here for awhile, and see how it treats me, and beerwithastraw.com is still sitting there for the time being.
I've wanted to put my mind back to writing for some time, but it hasn't worked. I have a blog. I have a Facebook. I have notebooks and a smartphone and absolutely no excuse for not having doing it other than simply- I haven't, because I haven't made myself.. Blogging has always been my favorite form of writing; it allows all of the permanency of a journal while still indulging the need to be seen, but Facebook doesn't cut it. Perhaps that's the difference between being a bit scandalous and a full out exhibitionist, figuratively speaking. Blogging is putting something out there, knowing that people will see it if you tell them and risking that you'll get spotted by a stranger. Facebooking is more like standing on a podium and saying "Here it is, I'm being brilliant for you, validate me (please)." Facebook is the nightclub of the internet, and I've always thought of a blog as being more of a small in-home party with the chance for a door crasher now and then.
I don't actually say anything on the internet that I'm afraid of being seen. There's no such thing as internet privacy but having an awareness of who's going to be looking definitely alters your voice. There- it's more for you. Here, it's more for me, but there is still a chance for feedback given to those who care to to have words to say.
So, this is my first step towards re-exercising my writing muscles- or rather, a declaration that that is my intent. I don't even have a solid idea as of yet as to what the topic spectrum is going to cover. Roller derby, I suspect, as it is my current and most time-consuming passion, will take up a chunk. My fantastic family of amazing friends is always front-and-center, of course, because it's hard to be in love with people without wanting to talk about them. My personal life? Well... maybe. I've had a lot of eye-opening realizations lately but that might be getting too personal. We'll see.
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