But nobody ever asks me how to set a table...

I freaking LOVE etiquette.  It saddens me that nobody learns how to set a table in Home-Ec (or finishing school) anymore. The thank-you note is practically dead and the RSVP card is following in it's wake. My friends who love me the most though know how much I like niceties, even if I'm a little bit crass most times.  I actually cried real fat crocodile tears when I discovered that Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquility was out of print, because then it was necessary for me to find another fallback wedding present and a blender is just overdone.  Every woman should have a book on their shelf that can make them aware of the proper thing to do in a given situation and then she can make an educated decision about whether or not she's going to pay attention. Right? Right.  Anyhow- sometimes, I get great "so what do I do now?" questions, and with permisison (but with identities withheld) I decided to share in the interest of not telling you what I had for lunch.


"A new friend left his toothbrush at my house. It kind of freaks me out. What do I do?"

There are three kinds of morning-after toothbrushes:

The one left on purpose,
The one left by accident,
and the one left "by accident."

If he asked you if he could leave his toothbrush there and you said yes, then congratulations! I'm pretty sure that that's kind of the same thing as having a boyfriend nowadays.  You should probably stop calling him your new friend and work on figuring out what his last name is... hopefully you've got his first one already.

Telling the toothbrush left "by accident" from the one legitimately forgotten is probably only going to be determined by actually saying "hey, you left your toothbrush here" and then gauging whether the response is more "oh, darn" or "oh, you caught me marking my territory."  But really- does it matter? I suggest you put it in a ziplock labeled with his name and drop it in a drawer so it won't be in your way.  That's the most hygienic option. If you end up with multiple toothbrushes in multiple ziplocks, then it might be time to consider your choices... or consider relegating some of those to the trash can.  Or maybe that's the way you roll and if that's the case- I won't judge you! Regardless, don't invite him to fish through the drawer to find his own ziplock. That reeks of lazy hostessing and is the unattractive kind of slutty.

Under no circumstances should you head to your local "paint your own pottery" joint and design him his very own special custom labeled toothbrush cup.  That just looks clingy.  Not that I've ever done that.

Please don't be this girl, either.

"Last year this guy said he liked me, then he spend the next few months ignoring me and hanging all over someone else. Now he's called me and wants to go out. What should I do?"

So last year, did you say "I like you, too?" Did you actually like him too?  In the year that has passed, have you seen him? Been friends? Has something changed about your dynamic? Are you more emotionally available than you were? Is he?

I suck at saying "I like you." Honestly, if I say that and it's not been very clearly solicited with a great big flashing sign with LED letters and possibly an instructional video like they have on big airplanes, then it is time for somebody to pry the bourbon out of my hand and put me to bed because I am just not a forward sort of girl when my wits are about me.  If your gentleman friend said "I like you" and you either:
a) blushed and giggled
b) mumbled "thank you" and changed the subject
or
c) pretended you did not hear him,

then you don't really get to have a complaint with him spending his time with somebody else.  Either grow a pair or miss out.  If this is the case and you botched it, then hey! Thank God for second chances, and go for it. Remember to be a little bit sweet since this guy has obviously been pining for a year and worked up the nerve to try again- and maybe if he says "I like you" try saying "I like you, too." I have it on good account that that has never actually killed anybody... and if it doesn't kill you, let me know. Maybe one day I'll try it, too.

On the other hand, if you owned the situation the first time and let it be known that you were interested, then he does not get a second swing at your pinata.  To quote one of my favorite musicians, "Life is too short to spend with somebody who doesn't think that you kick ass"(Fred LeBlanc).  People oops and make mistakes but if there was an understood "we dig one another" and you got no closure then it really doesn't warrant a second chance.  Sure, there could have been a weird situation there. Maybe he got back with an ex, or maybe somebody else threw themselves on his grenade before you did. It happens... but considerate people at least explain what's going on to their potential suitors.  He may not be a bad guy but if he left you hanging, he wasn't thinking of your feelings then and chances are, he's not going to start now.

 
So, that's me. Now I'm going to go back to inundating my derby girls with emails about the upcoming parade and about eleventybillion "Wouldn't it be cool if..." ideas that seem to be breeding like bunnies. Bunnies in fishnets!