Anxiety in Motion.

You know that feeling you get when you wonder if you're stuck on a Ferris Wheel that Just. Won't. Stop?   Maybe you're doing something and you're so busy thinking about what you want to be doing next that you just fly through the current thing.  You get to the next task all discombobulated and rushed and then halfway through, realize that you forgot something you were supposed to do back with that other thing... and nothing happens the way you want it to. Even if everything ends up being done you take no joy out of the processes and at the end you've got not nearly enough sense of completion... and you wonder what else you forgot.

Maybe you don't, and if that's the case, you're probably a lot smarter than I am. 


I've been making a concerted effort in the form of nightly meditation to slow down. This has little do with physically being dormant (I'm great at that) and everything to do with trying to make my mind shut down, if only for a little while.  Focusing on breathing and the rotation of the ceiling fan works for me.  Sometimes it works so well that I end up falling asleep, but my intent is to enjoy the comfort of a blank slate for just a little while, being relaxed enough to enjoy the peace while being aware enough to catch niggling little ideas that try to sneak in and put them away for later.  On nights that I can manage this for a little while before putting myself to sleep, I find that I'm a more sound sleeper. I wake up feeling more refreshed, less grumbly, and more peaceful, just because of a little bit of nothing before bed.  Since I've implemented this meditation in earnest, it's really been paying off...

and last night? It did not work At. All.  I tried. I even tried not trying... but being given Something Of Substance to worry about before bed completely shot all attempts to quiet my mind.  I'd rather not go into the gory details, as it isn't my story to share, but my 'wind-down' time was interrupted by a situation in the life of a beloved that spiked a lot of meters in quick succession. Fear. Anguish. Sadness. And good, old-fashioned Black Rage with a side of Righteous Indignation.  Efforts to relax the mind were futile. Attempts to put myself to sleep, likewise. I think I ended up sleeping for about 4 hours, but even then, it was bad sleep.  I woke up angsty, ill-equipped to be useful to anyone, and have had a massive headache for hours now and I feel like I have sandpaper in my eyes.  Everything I try to dedicate my attention to is suffering, because I'm falling into that pattern above. Rush. Forget. Panic. Fix. Forget where I was. Rush. Forget. Panic. Facebook. Fix. Rush.

I want to be better than that... not to trick my mind, but to be able to have enough discipline to tell myself "no, the thinking time for that is done" and have it really work that way.  I think I'm nearer to that than I was.  Today is just one remarkable day of dealing with the remnants of the stress of yesterday.  I will get a nap and maybe some ice cream for dinner, and be back to "normal" soon.

It'd be a lot easier if I had a wooby, though.