Still here.

Upon discovering that Tony Perkins is now going to be involved with the Louisiana Law Enforcement Commission, the girls and I took a moment to figure out where we should move to.

California seems to be winning.

With free advice, you get what you pay for...

So, some time back (in 2011, to be specific) I was soliciting my SmartGirls for blogprompts and Peeps sent me a few. I promptly didn't use them, but here's one now!

Peeps asked:

I would love to see a breakdown of times when it's ok to get trashy and times when it's never ok to get trashy. I mean like dress and manners and dancing that is definitely not ballroom. I need help letting my hair down from time to time, and other people need help pinning theirs into a tidy chignon.

I am not choosing to interpret this as a "how do I dress up from work or dress down for a nightclub" question.  Cosmo, Glamour, or any other chick magazine have you covered there.  I am assuming, rather, that you want to know when it is acceptible to break out the stripper heels, the fishnets, the cleavage-enhancing bra and the red lipstick - ALL AT ONCE - and not be judged for it by your peers.

TAKE YOUR PEERS WITH YOU.

It is more fun to be a dancing tramp in a herd. One girl looking like a skank is a warning signal.  Three or more? That's a good time, and there might be a story there.  If the non-skanks in da club ask what's going on, have some fun with it. Tell them that in honor of the 20th annivarsary of Married with Children's debut on Fox, you decided to host a Peg Bundy Appreciation Party.  Or actually host a Peg Bundy Appreciation party and forget needing a good story.  Write your own... then send me pictures.

As to "when not"?  We're grownups.  I prefer to consider whether children or "normal" grandparents will be present.  If the answer is yes, then the answer to the SkankGear is "no."

Confession: I read The Rules.

I read "The Rules," once.

This would be back during the last time that I was single, and if my memory serves rightly, my second-first date with my most recent ex was right around the corner (already planned, hadn't happened yet).  I was talking about this with a lady friend who was also single, and she asked with ferocious concern if I'd read The Rules because apparently the parameters of the date- which involved out of town travel and the date having acquired a hotel room in town due to his living in another state- set off great big trumpets of warning according to The Rules.  At that point I had heard of, but not paid attention to them, and the conversation concluded with her loaning me her Kindle copy so that I could read them that very night before I managed to completely destroy my virtue and make some huge misstep that would eventually lead to my ending my days as a sad dowager cat lady.

Can't have that, now, can we?  I read the damn book and thought it was damn fine Sorority Girl Satire, except it wasn't.  Advice straight out of Stepford (or Mayberry, maybe) that included a Rule about not discussing The Rules with your therapist, I left the book mighty sad that men get "The first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club" and women get "Always End the Date First."  I also completely ignored the book and things went just fine.

Unlike The Rules, these rules actually make sense.

My friend Cliff posted this article to Facebook earlier this week, and I finally think I GET why The Rules and other such "rules for girls" infuriate me so much.  I won't paraphrase the whole thing - go read the damn article, it's worth it.  I will say that the lightbulb moment for me in the article came with this paragraph:

"When we send the message that resistance is a form of flirtation—a strategic move in the game of love—we romanticize the imposition of one human being’s will on another. The building block of violence. By looking at love and sex as a game, a chase, a fight, we give violence our social permission, cultivate a rape culture, and throw consent out with the bathwater. If, as Rhiannon says “I don’t know means No. I’m drunk means No. Maybe means No. I don’t seem into it means No,” then that should apply to every aspect of the dating experience. Hard To Get and No Means No don’t—can’t—exist together. One lives in a world of conquest and the other of communication. And if you say No when you mean Yes or infer Yes from another person’s No, I’d say you’re not really communicating." - Why I Never Play Hard to Get by Rachael Kay Albers

Admittedly, the "do you like pina coladas?" game is hard.  Finding people that I click with in a way that makes me want to spend quality time with them, doubly so- though some may doubt my formula, I'm actually really picky about the characteristics I require in anybody hoping to hold my attention for more than 12 minutes- friend or lover, really.  So if I happen to encounter somebody I want to date- I'm going to encourage that in a way that I hope conveys genuine interest. It may be awkward, but that's just part of my charm, not part of a "maybe if I'm not busy doing something more interesting" game.  And the awesome part of that? If I'm not interested, I know I'm not sending the same exact signals I send to the ones I DO like... but feel compelled to lead on.  

It'd just be nice if the rest of the broads would quit scrambling the signals.

(every single bit of self control I had went into NOT posting a YouTube video of Antoine Dodson as the conclusion to this post.)

Book Recap: 5 Love Languages

Evil Sara and Bre both told me that I had to read this book.

I've now read it twice- the second time was because I didn't feel like I got much out of it.  I'm not feeling like I actually took that much out of it in the end, but I'm not going to read it again, either.  I think I compare it to the whole "Men are from Mars" or "Chicken Soups!!!" book franchises; there may have been some good content there, once, but whatever there was was watered down and spread out for the sole purpose of selling ALL THE COPIES.

So basically, what I took away from the book is that I'm crappy at determining what other people need to feel appreciated (already kind of had that one pegged) and that I'm righteously needy (ditto).  Just to confirm the latter point, I took the test:

And... ok. I'm not going to say there's not something valid there; those are basically my settings, but it seems to me like I basically ended up with the highest-maintenance personality type available, according to the text. Not necessarily unuseful information, but I'm not going to call it a restorative and awakening process; rather, I just feel kind of like any interpersonal failures have been reinforced by evidence of my own difficulty as a human.

I also reaffirmed my belief that the premise of the Self Help book, more often than not, is to not actually "help" but rather to inspire one to buy more Self Help books.

I've got a huge backlog of books that kind of tread on the "Lunatic, Heal Thyself" path; some recommended, some I just found, but I think that for the moment I'm going to step away from the repair manuals and go curl up in something that actually just makes me feel good about myself, all by itself.  This ought to do the trick, I think.

"Life is short. Live your dream, and wear your passion."

True Story:

So this morning, I'm Googlechatting with my EvilSara over whether or not something she did may have been a little bit catty (ruling: a little bit, but well within acceptable parameters) and I'm dorking around on Pinterest while reading her story.  I find this card, and link it to her.

Buy this card at holstee.com

The story wraps up, she has to go off to do honest-to-God RealWork, and I tell her that she should tell me what to write about today.  I've got about 5 GREAT questions in my inbox this morning but they're kind of like the really good holiday chocolates that you want to stretch out and savor and I don't want to use one up just yet.  She says that I should share the card.  I decide to turn it into an assignment.

"Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them."

The next person to enter my office is my favorite manager here at work.  I'm the Queen of All Things Paper and Office-Related and he is the King of Doing The Things That Bring In Money For Me To Spend. We have a great working relationship but we really aren't buddies. So I say, kind of randomly, "Hey, Hogeye (no, really, it's what he goes by), what's your passion?"

He gets a dreamy look on his face, and he sets his coffee down as he stares out the window at the sky for a minute.  This guy is apparently the Master of the Pregnant Pause- I realized I was literally holding my breath.  Finally he looks back at me, setting both hands on the desk and says with the sweetest little-boy voice I've ever heard come out of this huge, imposing manly man- "I just want to shoot deer. Every day. If I could go hunting every single day and bring home a 10-point buck, I'd be a happy guy."  And then he burped.

Due to work happening, I didn't have the chance to fulfill the second part of the assignment but I'm kind of okay with that. "Inspiring Dream?" I don't think I have one.  I can think of many things that I would be happy doing but the truth of it is, I'm really very happy where I am.  I want to end up being a lot of things- a more creative seamstress, a better skater, a more reliable leader- but those things are being cultivated at pretty much whatever pace I set and with as much effort as I choose to give them which is really all I get to ask for, right?  I have everything that I need- from tangible needs like shelter and food and clothing to intangible, like love and inspiration and support and people to yell at me when I need yelling at.  I have a lot of what I want, but I have enough wants left out there that I can try to acquire them.  As far as career passions go- I like my job.  I'm not necessarily doing Great Things and I should feel a little bit guilty about that... but I help run a company that keeps 13 families going, and we contribute to the local economy by hiring local subcontractors and using local materials and dealing with local entitled jackasses on a daily basis, so that's something.  I get to be useful, I get plenty of time to do my own thing when my usefulness is not required, and I work with amazing people, even if all they really want to do is shoot deer.  It probably looks a lot like settling from the outside but it doesn't feel that way from my bouncy-ball chair. 
I think my inspiring dream is to keep being happy, ya'll.

Thank you, Sara!

But nobody ever asks me how to set a table...

I freaking LOVE etiquette.  It saddens me that nobody learns how to set a table in Home-Ec (or finishing school) anymore. The thank-you note is practically dead and the RSVP card is following in it's wake. My friends who love me the most though know how much I like niceties, even if I'm a little bit crass most times.  I actually cried real fat crocodile tears when I discovered that Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquility was out of print, because then it was necessary for me to find another fallback wedding present and a blender is just overdone.  Every woman should have a book on their shelf that can make them aware of the proper thing to do in a given situation and then she can make an educated decision about whether or not she's going to pay attention. Right? Right.  Anyhow- sometimes, I get great "so what do I do now?" questions, and with permisison (but with identities withheld) I decided to share in the interest of not telling you what I had for lunch.


"A new friend left his toothbrush at my house. It kind of freaks me out. What do I do?"

There are three kinds of morning-after toothbrushes:

The one left on purpose,
The one left by accident,
and the one left "by accident."

If he asked you if he could leave his toothbrush there and you said yes, then congratulations! I'm pretty sure that that's kind of the same thing as having a boyfriend nowadays.  You should probably stop calling him your new friend and work on figuring out what his last name is... hopefully you've got his first one already.

Telling the toothbrush left "by accident" from the one legitimately forgotten is probably only going to be determined by actually saying "hey, you left your toothbrush here" and then gauging whether the response is more "oh, darn" or "oh, you caught me marking my territory."  But really- does it matter? I suggest you put it in a ziplock labeled with his name and drop it in a drawer so it won't be in your way.  That's the most hygienic option. If you end up with multiple toothbrushes in multiple ziplocks, then it might be time to consider your choices... or consider relegating some of those to the trash can.  Or maybe that's the way you roll and if that's the case- I won't judge you! Regardless, don't invite him to fish through the drawer to find his own ziplock. That reeks of lazy hostessing and is the unattractive kind of slutty.

Under no circumstances should you head to your local "paint your own pottery" joint and design him his very own special custom labeled toothbrush cup.  That just looks clingy.  Not that I've ever done that.

Please don't be this girl, either.

"Last year this guy said he liked me, then he spend the next few months ignoring me and hanging all over someone else. Now he's called me and wants to go out. What should I do?"

So last year, did you say "I like you, too?" Did you actually like him too?  In the year that has passed, have you seen him? Been friends? Has something changed about your dynamic? Are you more emotionally available than you were? Is he?

I suck at saying "I like you." Honestly, if I say that and it's not been very clearly solicited with a great big flashing sign with LED letters and possibly an instructional video like they have on big airplanes, then it is time for somebody to pry the bourbon out of my hand and put me to bed because I am just not a forward sort of girl when my wits are about me.  If your gentleman friend said "I like you" and you either:
a) blushed and giggled
b) mumbled "thank you" and changed the subject
or
c) pretended you did not hear him,

then you don't really get to have a complaint with him spending his time with somebody else.  Either grow a pair or miss out.  If this is the case and you botched it, then hey! Thank God for second chances, and go for it. Remember to be a little bit sweet since this guy has obviously been pining for a year and worked up the nerve to try again- and maybe if he says "I like you" try saying "I like you, too." I have it on good account that that has never actually killed anybody... and if it doesn't kill you, let me know. Maybe one day I'll try it, too.

On the other hand, if you owned the situation the first time and let it be known that you were interested, then he does not get a second swing at your pinata.  To quote one of my favorite musicians, "Life is too short to spend with somebody who doesn't think that you kick ass"(Fred LeBlanc).  People oops and make mistakes but if there was an understood "we dig one another" and you got no closure then it really doesn't warrant a second chance.  Sure, there could have been a weird situation there. Maybe he got back with an ex, or maybe somebody else threw themselves on his grenade before you did. It happens... but considerate people at least explain what's going on to their potential suitors.  He may not be a bad guy but if he left you hanging, he wasn't thinking of your feelings then and chances are, he's not going to start now.

 
So, that's me. Now I'm going to go back to inundating my derby girls with emails about the upcoming parade and about eleventybillion "Wouldn't it be cool if..." ideas that seem to be breeding like bunnies. Bunnies in fishnets!

Mysogony Says So.

Sometimes, when all my girls end up at their keyboards at the same time I find myself thinking of how nice it must be to have all your lady friends in such a place where you can do lunch... though I suspect, we'd probably be kicked out for lunching together.  Regardless, I love these little occasional virtual coffee breaks, and with implied consent from the ladies involved, I'm sharing this one:

From: Sarah

Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011

To: Sabine, EvilSara, OriginalSara, Peeps(Sara), Bri, Trixie, Charlotte

Subject: Mysogony says so.

<chat excerpt from Sabine and I>

me:  My conundrum that I was going to ask you about:  Platonic male friend meets you at a bar, downtown, at night, on a weeknight. You listen to some music and play some Uno.

The bar is in the center of a block. Your car is down the block and around one corner, his is in the other direction from the door.

You both leave the bar at the same time, not real late. It's well lit but the streets are pretty empty (and a bit slick). The guy IS still obligated to at least offer to walk the woman to her car, right?

Because I was thinking "there's no way John, or Raymond, or Squid, or Paul would let me walk to my car alone."

Sabine:  Absolutely, at the very least he should have walked with you to his car and driven you to yours.

me:  Gotcha. Yeah. Something there. Or caught a ride to his car with me. I follow. And I agree.

And I'm kind of ANNOYED that I agree, because were the two of us set upon by thugs, I'd be more useful than him. But it's the principle.

File under "sexism is alive and well, thank god."

Sabine: Filed.

What say the council o' brilliant wimmens?
 

From: Sabine
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To: , EvilSara, OriginalSara, Peeps(Sara), Bri, Trixie, Charlotte, Sarah 
Subject: Re: Mysogony says so.

We need more instances in life where we can use the phrase "set upon by thugs"

just sayin.'

From: Charlotte
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2002
To: , EvilSara, OriginalSara, Peeps(Sara), Bri, Trixie, Sarah, Sabine
Subject: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.
 

I have to agree.  As a friend, safety should be a concern.  While he may *think* you could take care of yourself in whatever situation presented itself, it would have been prudent, and thoughtful, for the two of you to walk to one vehicle together and then the drive the other person to theirs.  How would he have felt if something *did* happen?  Horrible.  That being said, in addition,  let's not forget we're in the South, and it would have been the gentlemanly thing to do and his GrandMaMere should beat him soundly about the ears for Not doing so.  Just sayin'.

From: Sarah
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To: Sabine, EvilSara, OriginalSara, Peeps(Sara), Bri, Trixie, Charlotte
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.

Maybe that's the problem... He's from Not Here.

From: EvilSara
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To: OriginalSara, Peeps(Sara), Bri, Trixie, Sarah, Sabine, Charlotte
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.
 

I do think it’s more expected in the South (and the SCA) to be a gentleman.  I’ve noticed most Yankees aren’t taught this behavior, and so in his defense, it prolly never crossed his mind.  That being said, you need to school him, cause he’s in the South now, and he needs to know the rules.

From: OriginalSara
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To:  EvilSara, Peeps(Sara), Bri, Trixie, Sarah, Sabine, Charlotte
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.
 

There is also the possibility that he is not only lacking in a proper Southern woman's attentions to his raisin' but also lacking in ANY raisin' whatsoever.  It's pretty sad but some of my most joyful moments at Puppy's school are when a child actually acknowledges that I have held the door open for them with a thank you.  Even eye contact would be nice.  When (holy crap!) they held the door for me instead? It's so rare that I want to run into the parking lot and find their parent and hug them.  I'm afraid that basics of courtesies like these are going the way of RSVP skills.  Just lost . . .

From:Charlotte
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To:  EvilSara, Peeps(Sara), Bri, OriginalSara, Sarah, Sabine, Trixie

I can totally see that too.  For years I have tried to beat (figuratively speaking) the Yes Ma'am, No Ma'am, into my children's heads.  Most of their peers do not use this terminology, they aren't taught it by their parents.  I'm not tooting my own horn here, but many of the manners my children have, their friends do not, because their parents haven't taken the time to teach them properly.  Most of Britt's friends were handed cell phones years ago as a baby sitter and now they run amok and do and say whatever they please.  Britt is NOT allowed to do this....But I digress on the issue at hand.

If Friend A is not from the South, that is one thing.  Regardless, safety should still have been an issue with him and just plain common sense should have kicked in on that one.

From:  Trixie
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To:  EvilSara, Peeps(Sara), Bri, OriginalSara, Sarah, Sabine, Charlotte
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.

I'm inclined to think its my responsibility, as in I should ask to be walked to the car if he doesn't offer and I think I need it.  Because people are pretty clueless sometimes and it may not occur to them to ask. I have to admit, I'm bad about asking. 

From:  EvilSara
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To:   Peeps(Sara), Bri, OriginalSara, Trixie, Sarah, Sabine, Charlotte
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.

Southern misogyny says women don’t ask to be kept safe – it is given.  I would agree if this was a middle of the afternoon shopping trip, and the only problem is the number of bags you were carrying, if you need help with that then you have to ask.  This is a safety issue – after dark and downtown.

From:  Sabine
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To:   EvilSara,Peeps(Sara), Bri, OriginalSara, Trixie, Sarah,  Charlotte
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.

Don't start with the RSVP skills. Cause then it is just a short jump to discussing Thank You cards and watching Sarah's head explode.  (And yes, Sarah, I know it has been 9 months. 9 MONTHS.)

From: Sarah
Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011
To:   EvilSara,Peeps(Sara), Bri, OriginalSara, Trixie,Sabine,  Charlotte

DAMMIT SABINE! And I was having SUCH a nice fucking day, too.....

From: Bri

Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011

To:   EvilSara,Peeps(Sara),Sarah , OriginalSara, Trixie,Sabine,  Charlotte

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.

That's 'cause most of us Yankee gals are taught to mace suspicious strangers into submission immediately upon contact.

From: Peeps(Sara)

Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011

To:   EvilSara, Bri, Sarah , OriginalSara, Trixie,Sabine,  Charlotte

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so.

Lord, I have a meeting and lunch and you people blow up the interwebs...

I had a conversation about manners in the South versus up there in Yankeeland recently. People were talking about passing stuff onto their children, whether or not certain things were outmoded, etc. It comes down to that there are certain things that are indoctrinated into those of us who were Raised Right in the South because they show you're being respectful to your fellow man. Some of those things are an insult out of the South - like calling someone our age ma'am. How many times have you heard a parent call their child ma'am or sir down
here? "Nuh uh, no ma'am! You come back here!" All the gender politics and equality has changed is that I'll open the door first if I get there first.

Not getting an escort to the car is... not exactly disrespectful, but it's certainly not thoughtful, gender aside. Girls take each other to their cars. It's something you do as friends. In my case, it's probably because I'm about as threatening and effective as a tiny kitten, should I be set upon by hoodlums. It's not much of an issue - all the men I know are Southern, SCA, or ex-military and tend to be protective no matter how capable you are. What I don't understand is why some people insist on considering that protective instinct an insult. Why would you be mad that someone cares about your safety and well-being? Bless his heart if he flat-out doesn't know better, but he should learn if he has any designs on living down here. Of course, you can't break the ultimate rule of good manners and point out his bad manners...

I honestly feel surprised and kind of abandoned if I have something heavy or unwieldy and a man doesn't offer to help me carry it. But then I'm not exactly a paragon of equality between the genders...

From:  Sarah

Date: Thursday, January 12, 2011

To:   EvilSara,Peeps(Sara), Bri, OriginalSara, Trixie,Sabine,  Charlotte

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mysogony says so. 

Personally, I'm just taken aback by the lack of etiquette moreso than the "OMG a boy may have put me in danger." True- a woman walking with a man is less of a 'target' than a woman walking alone.  Just mere presence, imposing or not, adds to the safety factor and I get that, but I'm also not really that paranoid about being tackled by a crank-head in that particular setting.  But... it's just a NEW experience for me.  I'm not angry or upset so much as newly exposed.  I guess it just goes to show that I spend a lot of time with knuckle-dragging neanderthals.... God love 'em. 

I don't feel the need to call my friend "out" but at least now I'm aware of the fact that I probably would have to ask for an escort if I felt like I needed one while in his company. No big deal.  I do agree with EvilSara in that I think that our cultural standards do imply it as a given.  And you guys proved it! (Well, Bri does make a good point about Yankee Girl vs. Delicate Flower of Southern Femininity.)

That was fun!  Somebody else can host the virtual Coffee Date next week... and then they'll have something to blog about, too. :D