A lot of crazy and a little victory.

I'm hesitant to claim victory, but I have to acknowledge the turning of a corner on the way to it, if nothing else.

So- today I had a really great day up until about 7:00 PM, give or take.  Got up, felt great, went out to an SCA event about 2 hours away, and spent most of the day in the company of great people, learned a little bit and laughed a lot. All very, very good things.  The evening meal was amazing and almost entirely gluten free, and there were even extra brussels sprouts.  Around 7, I got ready to leave, and two things happened pretty much as soon as I got into the car:

1. I realized my cell phone wasn't "dying" but was ENTIRELY dead
2. The cellphone charger I keep in my car that's been kind of temperamental for a little while quit working entirely. 

The event site was in the serious-to-goodness middle of nowhere, so hunting for a signal had drained it down.  I had found signal a few times during the day to check for messages, but it was one of those "stand on one foot while waving an arm in a northerly direction" kind of locations.  Anyway- being entirely disconnected caused me a pretty serious anxiety attack once I got into my car.  It's not just an over-inflated ego.  I want my dad to be able to find me whenever, wherever... and then beyond that, yeah, I guess it's ego.  SO- I start heading homeward, but I can't go back the same way I came because it involved about 90 back roads and the directions were.... on my phone.  Instead, I took a longer route through Ruston to get home because I could trust myself to find it without directions (that I have a TomTom in the glove compartment slipped my mind entirely until I was almost home).

Stopped in Ruston, nearly had a meltdown in Wal-Mart's electronics section, found a charger, and the phone started charging. It was so dead I couldn't turn it on for 20 minutes, but still... one step closer to plugged-inned-ness.  A long 20 minutes, but after which I was rewarded with 2 non-urgent voice mails, 5 no-big-deal texts, and absolutely no notifications that the world had ended due to my negligence.  Take that, ego.  Life can go on without you.

SO-- the BIG FUCKING DEAL to this tangent of how crazy I can be sometimes...

I figured out around 2 that I had no new cartridges for my e-cigarette.  

I've been a horrible quitter in the past.  I've "quit" smoking a few times, but mostly with caveats.  I'm not smoking.... unless I'm in a bar, or having a drink.  I'll quit, but I'll bum one when people are standing around after practice smoking.  Or if it's a bad day, or I'm sad, or I'm anxious because my electronic leash went dead.  I did actually successfully quit-quit last year for a very brief time, but it's never stuck because I've been weak about it, or I wasn't ready, or whatever.  I'd kinda-quit, but I'd cave at the first time an opportunity presented itself.  So, when my last cartridge completely gave up the ghost approximately 2 minutes after I got into my car tonight, that was the perfect moment to stop at a gas station and get a pack- after all, it was an anxious moment and I'd NEED it, right?

The option didn't even cross my mind, not once.  I dealt. I listened to my music and I chewed on a straw (and, ok, I sucked on a dead vapor cartridge, too), but that I could have just stopped and gotten actual cigarettes didn't occur until I was home.

I'm still scared to call myself a non-smoker, and I probably will be for a long time.  I'm very proud of my little success today, though.