Still here.

Upon discovering that Tony Perkins is now going to be involved with the Louisiana Law Enforcement Commission, the girls and I took a moment to figure out where we should move to.

California seems to be winning.

Words for the sake of words.

So, I'm searching for something totally legit and completely work related earlier, and this happened:

And I thought to myself "damn, it's a shame I don't blog anymore, because I could find something deep and meaningful and funny to say about why America is fat."

And then Krak and I discussed that clearly, after your half pound of weed you'd WANT a half pound burger on a buttered cake bun, because you're fat and high (and it's obviously been long enough since college that neither of us remember that you'd actually be trying to con people into making you ramen, not getting ambitious and baking or cooking)...

And then I gave myself a guilt trip, and here we are, putting something into text and publishing just in hopes that perhaps that action triggers the muscle memory of loving to blog, and maybe then tomorrow or the next day there will be things worth reading.

It is not that I do not have things to say.  I have ALL the things to say.  I'm just maybe not ready to say them just yet.

Don't get me wrong. Nothing particularly catastrophic or deep is going on.  I'm trying to sell my house and have un-hoarded approximately 1/4-1/3 of my possessions, and I do not miss one of them.  For anybody keeping score, though, that now means that if I move into a smaller place than my current 4 bedroom home, I'm still possibly going to have "too much."

I've moved to Shreveport, to a tiny and cozy apartment that will serve as my transitional home between the house to sell and the next one to buy. Once I'm done futzing around in Benton to actually get the place listed and that turns into a matter of "keep it dusted, pay the lawn guy," I'm going to have so much more free time, and I'm going to love it.  I do not love it yet.  Currently, I feel like I'm living through the biggest, time-eatingest, pain-in-the-assiest project OF MY LIFE.

I'm also coming to terms with the notion that "derby girl" is less of a "what I am" and more of a "what I was", though I'm enjoying being a coach, an announcer, and I'm aspiring to ref.  It's just that the whole PCL/MCL thing going on my leg is maybe not ever going to be up to full contact again unless I want a surgery, and I don't.

And maybe one day I'll talk about those things.  Here's hoping.

The Dalai Lama; Musical Events # 19-21; A Very Long Nap.

A quick glance at my Google Calendar tells me that I REALLY dropped the ball on updating the whosits and whatsits of where I've been and what I've been doing.

Oops.

Last weekend, Krak, Nate and I headed to NOLA for two days of public talks by the Dalai Lama.  For the most part I left the phone ignored so I could try to be present in the moment, and for the most part, it worked.  I did not get dozens of blurry photos of maroon robe and shiny bald head, but I don't think anybody is sad about that.  I did get a wall hanging from the Drepung Monks which I have yet to get put up in my office.  Aside from the talks, the weekend featured some DAMN fine food and friends and a lesson in learning the New Orleans Transit System as we decided to stay on the West Bank and take busses/streetcars to get around.

Salt N Pepper - I'm pretty sure this is a converted convenience store.  We had some AMAZING Indian food.  Nate ordered the Chicken Masala and the sauce was toe-curlingly good.  I had a religious experience with some goat (not A goat, which would be an entirely different situation).  I do not remember what Krak ordered but it was delish as well.  They also feature gyros and pizza, which we did not try.

So, that was the pre-Dalai Lama meal on Friday.  Then there was the talk, the navigating of the bus lines back to our hotel on the West Bank.  Shower. Nap. Sent Nate and Krak out on supersexy date night and got myself ready to go out with a great friend who first took me to Jagerhaus and then to ALL the fun Quarter places, including the Carousel for random drink roulette and Fat Cats(?) for a band and dancing and beverages and it was nice. The band was fun. No clue what their name was, actually, but they were enjoyable and we were there for several songs, so they make up #19 on this year's list --- Random New Orleans House Bar.
Home again for a 4-day work week, and then....

#20

Black Flag/ Good For You/ Mind Spiders

Shit, kids. I was NOT prepared for this.

So, I went into this tired. Didn't sleep Thursday night, loaded into the car with Misti, Eric, and Zakk (three of the 4 Rusty Shacklefords), drank ALL the caffeine and wore not the smartest boots.  Despite feeling like we were "running late" we weren't. We got to the venue in time to get in, buy merch, have a beer, and leisurely wait for the Mind Spiders to take the stage.  We established our spots on the railing and enjoyed their show.  They clearly had a local following present and they were good but I can't remember anything that especially stood out.  

Good For You is- and I didn't know this going in- the same exact lineup as Black Flag with the exception of Mike Vallely as lead vocalist instead of Chavo.  Also, Greg Ginn plays a theremin as well as the guitar, and now I want a theremin.  I'd not heard a peep of Good For You but of the three acts, they were my favorite.  Really awesome energy, strong lyrics, and a motherfucking theremin.

So, there's then a long intermission and Black Flag takes the stage, and the shit promptly got real.  I am used to frenzied concert crowds but sweet Jesus, I do not think I've ever dealt with a band with such a HUGE devoted following.  I got very claustrophobic very quickly and was about to hit the wall of "THIS IS NOT FUN", but thanks to the location we were at, was able to kind of sneak behind the stage barrier just a bit.  Fortunately, security was unconcerned-- they were busy paying attention to the crowd surfers and mosh pit.

OH HAI THERE!

This was an excellent place to be.

---

So, that was awesome, once the "people touching me" thing was resolved.  The ride home was not friendly on any of us; I pulled into my driveway at 4 AM Saturday morning and was doing good to get my shoes off before passing out.

#21- The Second Annual This Won't Suck

Got up and out of the house by 11 Saturday morning and thought that really did kind of suck, a lot, but I wanted to see the opening act, Das Pretzels, as they came from Zwolle and I felt like I should support the hometown boys.  Had the brilliant presence of mind to take a cooler and a case of water, which was pretty much the only thing that kept me from just falling down dead.  

Das Pretzels was good.  Prestor John's all acoustic "guitar and djimbe" set was AWESOME.  Summit Falls, whom I'd never heard of was also really great.  The two touring bands, Blanket of M and End Hits, were both really tight and the End Hits guys were SUPER nice, too.  Zakk and Sam as "The Regular Jerkoffs" were great and talented and fun and did the longest ode to a blanket I'd ever heard.  Goutbrake was as interesting as ever.  Bland and The Bipolaroids were both good but not my speed, exactly, and both of the Rusty Shax sets were awesome.  My ONLY sadness was that the rain ended up hitting about a song and a half into Social Bliss, which are currently high on my list of favorites, and then Midnight Tiger didn't get to play at all.

SO, I ended up limping into my bed around 11:30 that night, and stayed there until 12 hours later, when I had to get up and get human so that I could head to Monroe to run the scoreboard for a scrimmage bout.  I have feelings about that (the bout, not the scoreboard), but they're not ready to come out, just yet.

All in all, an absolutely perfect couple of weekends that reminded me that while I am not 20 anymore, 20 was not NEARLY as much fun as 34 is.

And now we're caught up!

Hard Shit: Still Hard.

Last weekend, I went to New Orleans with some beloved friends to see the Dalai Lama.  Have you ever been in a room of thousands and felt calm and at peace?  I hadn't. I did. It was amazing.  I'd like to say that I emerged from the weekend at one with my inner ZenMistress, but.... no.

I got some cool mental and emotional tools. I learned some neat stuff.  I let myself relax and enjoy the moment and be present, and was able to not worry about the little things that I normally fixate on, like checking the messages on my phone to make sure nobody NEEDED anything.  I spent a few hours for a few days not thinking about who was looking or judging or seeing or doing, just on my own being.  Pretty cool.  I got to have an absolutely perfect evening out with a great friend, and it was good.  Checking out for the weekend, whether in the context of a spiritual zen trip or just in general, was needed.  My edges were getting frayed, and they got a bit smoothed by the getaway.

Upon my return to The Real World, I am more in touch with the reality that I'm not exactly doing ok.  There are certain benchmarks that I keep an eye on of things that are in-check when I am happy and in a good place, mentally.  Things like making my bed every morning, putting my laundry away quickly, not eating junk.  Well, for the most part I am not eating junk but I'm letting other things slip, or I find myself half-assing them.  I have TIME to do things, but I find myself curling up with a cat and a book because that feels like what my body and mind want to be doing, and I don't have the willpower to say "fuck you, body.  Your ass CAN go do some damn packing."  I don't wanna.  Can't make me.

I feel like I am not keeping up with my "to do" list, and that is demoralizing, but at the same time I do not regret that I have been prioritizing people over things lately.  I've gotten to spend time with awesome people and start working on some great projects.  Surely important, but now I'm caught in the struggle between trying to rationalize my Grasshopper vs. Ant attitudes.  I have had a headache since Sunday.  I've got no energy.  I give my energy to social endeavors and have none left for the boring tedious shit I need to do. It's a problem.

So, clearly, "Do what I want to do" isn't working out so well. I'm finding myself feeling guilty, and I'm not making as much progress as I need and want to toward getting ready to sell my house- as in, absolutely no progress this week.  I'm hoping to use the upcoming weekend as a reset and start scheduling my days a little more strictly.  I'll leave time for social things and fun things and curling up with my cat and my book, but I need to treat some of my necessary projects with the same gravity as a work schedule, I guess.

I just want a nap, first.

Whack-A-Mole: Neurotic Edition

Last weekend was rough, ya'll.

It was not without happy moments, to be sure.  I had some of those, to be sure, but I also fell into a pretty ugly cycle of negative thoughts.

* I don't want to be doing this.
* Nobody likes me.
* I am a failure because my knee is injured.
* I am shit with time and money management.
* My taste in music sucks.
* My taste in entertainment sucks.
* My taste in clothing, which I look horrible in, also sucks.

Sometime around Sunday, I got out of the funk.  The ennui, it happens.

You are beautiful, flower. I WILL EAT YOU.

This week has also been rough:

Monday:  Personal conflict and some hurty conversations.
Tuesday:  More hurty conversations, but also some great ones.
Wednesday: Had super fun plans go awry. End result - not super fun, felt rejected, got pissy.
Thursday: Information on the medical front that left me feeling really fragile and upset.  BUT I also had a very good evening despite that.
Friday: COME AT ME, BRO.  Like, seriously. What you got?

So far, I'm not super happy with today, but I am making a concerted effort to be happy with myself despite the fact that not all the circumstances are fun, that sometimes painful things have to happen, and that not all of the people are capable of giving me all of the attention all of the time.

Here's the good part: When I remember not to give up on it, all this "think yourself happy" practice I've been trying to engage in is really working for me.  For all that shitty stuff up there, I have got so many good things to counter.

* I am already getting stronger with my new PT regimen... and my ass is looking amazing.
* At least 3 different people have told me that they love me every single day this week (some overlap from day to day, of course).
* I made 3 new friends this week, and I think they're all keepers.
* I accepted two invites for things to do this weekend, and had to decline 4.
* I have made time, despite being busy and sometimes sad, to take care of myself properly.  I'm eating super clean, getting my long baths and my book time, and cuddling the kitties as much as they want.
* After reviewing my budget, I realized that I'm actually awesome with money, and that medical bills are expensive, and it's going to be ok.  I'm not being a jackass and my expenditures are really quite conservative.
*Tomorrow marks 100 days since I was a smoker. Confession- I did steal a couple of drags from Misti on two occasions. They were awful... but that's the extent of the backsliding.
* In a week, I get to see the Dalai Lama, and in two weeks, it's Black Flag.


It's gonna be OK. Hell, it IS OK, it's just the kind of OK that needs a little extra work.

A Hard-Reset Monday.

On Monday, I got solid confirmation from my ortho that per my physical examination and my MRI results, my PCL in my right knee is in bad shape.  The conservative approach is 2.5 months of SERIOUS PT.  Not "kinda do some stuff" PT-- rather, I've been prescribed a 5-day per week workout regimen to strengthen the leg, get it up to the same strength as the other one, and maybe see about circumventing surgical necessity.

Well, "necessity" is a bad word.  If I just wanted to live a normal, sedentary life, I'd probably be ok. The problem is that I do NOT. I want to keep skating, or at least, being active on a regular basis. I want to continue getting MORE fit, not staying at the same level I am at or degrading in that.  And if I had a different situation right now I may have agreed to the consult... but I can't. I live an hour away from work, and carpooling is not currently an option. I can't be right-leg-less for the 6-8 weeks that I'd be on crutches and immobilized.  It is just not an option today, so all I can do is anything else, which is hard.

I agreed to hang up my skates until my followup in the middle of July, and that broke my heart, but I have a good plan. I am really afraid that this plan may not be good enough, though, and my ortho strongly indicated that without surgery I may not have the opportunity to return to the flat track, but he conceded that we can look at it a little later and see.  First, there's a lot of work.

About 2 hours after that appointment, I got confirmation that the friend who has been trying to work out his financial plan to purchase my house is just not going to be able to do that at this time... and so if I do want to sell it and move into town, it's going to have to go on the market.  I have a good list of the things I need to accomplish to do that.  I need to get about 50% of my possessions out of it, firstly.  Then I need to do some prettification and resign myself to strangers poking around my home. I may need to temporarily re-home my cats, which I'm not excited about at all.  It may be that I end up storing most of my things and, when the time comes to listing it, move into a small apartment for a short while which is a new level of scary all to itself.  I don't know...but I know that first, there's a lot of work.

How do you move them? One at a time.

SO, it looks like the prevailing theme of my summer is going to be "Do Work, Son."  I'm going to have to change some plans to re-route some time and finances, but I can do that. I'm going to have to write lists, and hold myself accountable, and I can do that, too.  I'm going to have to be honest about what I need and what I like and what I've just been hanging onto because it is convenient, and I'm not just talking about my clutter but also things like mentality and drive and excuses.


The only thing left to do now is write the playlist and get to work.

90 seconds of absolute batshit crazy

Scene:  A Sonic Drive-In Restaurant, approximately 9:00 on a week night.  Our heroine is patiently awaiting delivery of a magical Diet Cherry Limeaide (extra cherries, please) after Roller Derby practice.  As is fit, she is sweaty. She is wearing an ensemble consisting of bicycle shorts, a teal T-shirt reading "Bitches Be Trippin'", a purple bandana on her head... and pink KT Tape decorates her knee. Her socks feature C3P0.

In the next car-stall, an older woman is piloting a large black pick-em-up truck whilst maintaining a solid grasp on the chili dog in her right hand.  She hits the menu post with her headlight, and rather than stopping and realigning tests the boundaries of physics to see if her F950 (est) can win the battle. It can, but at the cost of her headlight shielding, headlight, and a portion of chrome plating, all of which shatter upon the ground, glistening in the security light and menu glare.

Then shit got real.

Ok, so seriously? This woman (whom I hate for her actions, not for her chili dog) is all like, just going on away, leaving the car debris. So I call out of my window "You forgot part of your truck!"  Because I am HELPFUL, you know.  So she stops her truck behind me and rolls down the window and says "Oh, it's ok! It's just my headlight!"

OH BUT NO.

So I leap from my car and grab a shard of displaced plastic from where it bounced off of my car and I waved it at her.  "This was under my tire."

She sits there....and takes a bite of her motherfucking chili dog while examining the glistening shard in my hand.

So I proceed to pick up all the bits and pieces and chunks of Made-in-the-USA-Pickup-Truck, WHILST carrying on an improv monologue on how SOME PEOPLE just leave their trash lying around to puncture tires and ruin nice evenings and SOME PEOPLE could get out of their damn trucks... and I carried them over to her.  At which point she quickly handed off her chili dog to the passenger, which is a damn fine thing because had her hands not been free, she'd have been catching shattered plastic bits in her lap, and probably, that damn chili dog.

She did say thank you, though. I'm not sure if she was grateful because I gave her back her headlight or because I did not punch her in the throat, because I suspect that my appearance was pretty damn frightening... that lighting is never complimentary in those parking lots, you know.

Scene:  The carhop arrives with a Diet Cherry Limeaide and a perplexed expression on her face.  Was the confusion because the patron was out of the car or because the menu one stall over was askew, unlit, and scratched to hell and beyond?  Who knows.  Our Heroine was happy to point out that the black pick-em-up truck was getting on about their hitting and running now that their trash had been dealt with.  And then there was Diet Cherry Limeaide, and all was good.

---End Scene---

This post not sponsored or endorsed by Sonic Restaurants.

Untitled, and I'm ok with that.

"Fake it 'til ya make it" has made me a much happier person.  Really- IT WORKS!  Want some soundbites? GOT THEM.  "Happiness is a choice." TRUE.  "People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." I believe it.  Parrot that stuff repeatedly to yourself or whomever will listen and eventually, you will start to mean it, you'll believe it, and you will be happier than you used to be.

Sometimes, though, a girl just needs a good wallow (or "waller," in the proper dialect of my homeland).  Yesterday the entire universe aligned properly to give me the Perfect Storm for a 100% Legit, No-Holds-Barred angstfest.  How so?

• Jury Duty!  You can go home after sitting in the room of bodies with warring perfumes just long enough to get a killer headache, but you have to call in every day until we tell you not to to see if you have to come back.  insider tip: my schedule being up in the air freaks me the hell out.
• Clashing with a friend!  It happens. Friends have to work their shit out sometimes, and it's ok.  Timing is what timing is... and God knows, it's never a convenient time to have a Situation.
• HORMONES.  Just....yeah. Fuck you, kitten. Why are you looking at me?
• TIME TO CRY! Practice was tough last night, and in my crummy mindset it felt like it was a series of tailor-made drills designed to specifically exploit my weaknesses. It wasn't, and I know that, and I knew that then, but I still made special time to have a meltdown... and may have scarred the Coach for life.
• Guess who's not ready for Gulf Wars? THIS GIRL! Seriously, I leave on Friday for 5 days of camping, and I'm SO not prepared.

So, is it better today? Nope. I still have a residual pity-party hangover, but as of noon today, I am going to be actively forcing myself to put it in check as I spot it.    

Wednesday Night's Fight Club Moment

"Don't deal with this the way those dead people do. Deal with it the way a living person does." -- Tyler Durden

Ok, so maybe that's a TOUCH melodramatic, but last night I learned two valuable lessons:

1) My body did not fully heal in 2 weeks from the tattoo.  The area had the appearance of healing, but was still quite tender.

2) Shading needles hurt like a mother when there's no endorphin rush leading into it.

This makes me so. damn. happy.  5 hours, all told, and 5 hours of my life I am happy to have sacrificed towards decorating the temple that is my body with something that I don't think I'll ever possibly regret.

Next time, though, I might decide to find spiritual resonance with something a little bit smaller...

Didn't even have to use my AK...

TCK's first bout of the season- an away bout in Mandeville, LA, was a wonderful success.  We won, but I'm mostly happy about the way that we actually worked together as a cohesive team in regards to strategy and smart game play.  We made some progress in this direction towards the last part of last season, but two months of really focusing on these details in addition to all the other things at practice really did pay off. 

There is always more work to do, though, and I'm excited to see what comes next.

Cards Against Humanity will be going with me to every single bout for the rest of my life.

It was, indeed, a good day.

--

I'm somewhere at the end of a month of being a really-truly nonsmoker. I've gotten to that shitty point where I don't like how I smell when I leave a bar.  The upside is that it's also the point where the flowers in my office make the place smell amazing, so there's always a bright side.

Gluten free-vegetarian is not nearly as dramatic or difficult as I expected.  I don't wanna try vegan- I love my eggs and cheese- but I'm feeling amazing.  I miss fish, though.  Fish may be coming back at the end of Lent.  My GF trial is technically over on my birthday later this month, but I think I may keep it.  On Feb 1 my Glomular Filtration Rate (indication of renal function) had improved by 2%.  That could be because of the GF, or because of any number of variables, but I don't miss wheat and I've figured out that by packing a bag like a toddler's mother would do, the inconvenience factor is pretty low.

--

Don't trouble trouble, right?  I've identified that my presence on OKCupid was just adding to my stress level.  I don't want to be a bitch, but the volume of illiterate and/or married men contacting me were starting to not only piss me off but also shade my self perception.  I've always felt that dating profiles that present with a laundry list of "Do not contact me IF:" items came off as horribly negative, but I was starting to see the appeal.  So... I've killed that shit and set my account to disabled. Maybe for a week, maybe forever. Who knows?  I feel better, and I'm not experiencing anxiety when I see "DoucheBag8478 sent you a message!" in my email or on my phone.

"To change and to change for the better are two different things."

I skipped observing Lent last year.  I think I thought about it and then I forgot.

This year's contenders were:

No Meat!
No Alcohol!
No online dating!

--

No Meat won.  I'm not worried about getting anemic, and I've done it before (albeit, I've never done it without gluten, so my "easy answer" of a Veggie Delite sandwich just got kicked off the island).

I'm aware that Sundays aren't part of Lent. In the past, I've ignored that and trucked through to Easter.

We'll see how that goes.

Wherein I realize I'm older than I thought I was.

me: Ok. I have to confess something.
For the past several weeks, I have been thinking that I was coming up on my 33rd birthday... and I was wrong.
I'm going to fucking be 34.
EvilSara: :(
me: I AM SO MAD.
EvilSara: Want me to take your mind off it?
I took a 20 minute GMAT test for shits and giggles and realize how math and grammer I have forgotten
I am scared yo
you are mad you are going to be 34?
me: I am mad because I thought I was 32, really.
EvilSara: I have thought I was 32 for the last 3 years
 (yes, that counts the year I was 31)
me: I feel better.
EvilSara: I have to do the math every single time I need my age.
me: I did the math. And I did it wrong.
EvilSara: ok =-| I can't help you with that one.
EvilSara: Did you know you can't even use a simple calculator for the GMAT?
me: Clearly, I'd be screwed.
And I did not know that.

A lot of crazy and a little victory.

I'm hesitant to claim victory, but I have to acknowledge the turning of a corner on the way to it, if nothing else.

So- today I had a really great day up until about 7:00 PM, give or take.  Got up, felt great, went out to an SCA event about 2 hours away, and spent most of the day in the company of great people, learned a little bit and laughed a lot. All very, very good things.  The evening meal was amazing and almost entirely gluten free, and there were even extra brussels sprouts.  Around 7, I got ready to leave, and two things happened pretty much as soon as I got into the car:

1. I realized my cell phone wasn't "dying" but was ENTIRELY dead
2. The cellphone charger I keep in my car that's been kind of temperamental for a little while quit working entirely. 

The event site was in the serious-to-goodness middle of nowhere, so hunting for a signal had drained it down.  I had found signal a few times during the day to check for messages, but it was one of those "stand on one foot while waving an arm in a northerly direction" kind of locations.  Anyway- being entirely disconnected caused me a pretty serious anxiety attack once I got into my car.  It's not just an over-inflated ego.  I want my dad to be able to find me whenever, wherever... and then beyond that, yeah, I guess it's ego.  SO- I start heading homeward, but I can't go back the same way I came because it involved about 90 back roads and the directions were.... on my phone.  Instead, I took a longer route through Ruston to get home because I could trust myself to find it without directions (that I have a TomTom in the glove compartment slipped my mind entirely until I was almost home).

Stopped in Ruston, nearly had a meltdown in Wal-Mart's electronics section, found a charger, and the phone started charging. It was so dead I couldn't turn it on for 20 minutes, but still... one step closer to plugged-inned-ness.  A long 20 minutes, but after which I was rewarded with 2 non-urgent voice mails, 5 no-big-deal texts, and absolutely no notifications that the world had ended due to my negligence.  Take that, ego.  Life can go on without you.

SO-- the BIG FUCKING DEAL to this tangent of how crazy I can be sometimes...

I figured out around 2 that I had no new cartridges for my e-cigarette.  

I've been a horrible quitter in the past.  I've "quit" smoking a few times, but mostly with caveats.  I'm not smoking.... unless I'm in a bar, or having a drink.  I'll quit, but I'll bum one when people are standing around after practice smoking.  Or if it's a bad day, or I'm sad, or I'm anxious because my electronic leash went dead.  I did actually successfully quit-quit last year for a very brief time, but it's never stuck because I've been weak about it, or I wasn't ready, or whatever.  I'd kinda-quit, but I'd cave at the first time an opportunity presented itself.  So, when my last cartridge completely gave up the ghost approximately 2 minutes after I got into my car tonight, that was the perfect moment to stop at a gas station and get a pack- after all, it was an anxious moment and I'd NEED it, right?

The option didn't even cross my mind, not once.  I dealt. I listened to my music and I chewed on a straw (and, ok, I sucked on a dead vapor cartridge, too), but that I could have just stopped and gotten actual cigarettes didn't occur until I was home.

I'm still scared to call myself a non-smoker, and I probably will be for a long time.  I'm very proud of my little success today, though. 

Ink, Touchiness, and "Fuck Yeah Louisiana!"

The state bird of Louisiana is the Brown Pelican.  The state flag of Louisiana has a pelican, too.  The official state nickname is "The Pelican State."

Shouldn't have been surprised when my new tattoo was immediately Facebook-named "Fuck Yeah Louisiana!"

Work in progress. I had to tap out at 2 hours.

While I live in Louisiana, the symbolism of my birdy has absolutely jack shit to do with the state. I like where I live, and I consider myself to be "from" here if I'm from anywhere, but I'm just not patriotic in that sense.

In the SCA, the highest recognition one can receive for service to the organization is induction into the Order of the Pelican.  I was inducted in 2007 and have been thinking about a tattoo to represent not only that accolade but my love for the organization and my appreciation of how much it's meant to me for well over half my life.

Aside from that, I have also long looked to the image of the pelican in her piety (she's piercing her breast to feed her blood to her young) as a spiritual, social, and personal reminder to try to be better, and to find gratification in acts of service even if it's uncomfortable.  It's ok to give parts of yourself away, and I work well with visual imagery... losing a few drops is nothing to her, but it means an awful lot to her chicks. Even though I have the maternal instinct of a stapler, I get that. It works for me. It helps me when shit gets tough.

SO.... I'm trying to take the good-hearted ribbing about my attachment to my state bird in stride instead of rolling my eyes and getting too horribly defensive.  After all, if I am going to brand myself with a representation most of my friends would consider to be a state thing, I should expect that, right?  And anyway- I didn't get it put on for anybody but myself, and that's what matters here.

"I ain't here to impress nobody"-- Achievement Unlocked.

First-world problems.

I don't write very often when I'm content, nor do I write when I'm depressed.  I'm not sure it is possible to be both concurrently but I have been feeling a nagging sense of ennui with absolutely no time to spin around twice.  My bed is being made every morning and my kitchen is clean, both signs of "I am a Happy Person" for me.  I'm getting a new tattoo tomorrow; one I've been mulling over since 2007, and I am super excited about that.

I am BUSY. This weekend, I had social funtime with 2 groups of people as well as two individuals, but I also had time to curl up with a book and a movie, as well as to knock items off of my "to do" list around the house.  This week, I have busy evenings, but one kept to myself for nobody but me.  This coming weekend I have at least two social outings with people I adore.  GOOD THINGS, they are happening for me.  I am not worried about money, health, or whether or not I am valued.  My knee is feeling great and my skating feels strong, and I don't need to sit out of half of the drills at practice for fear of reinjury.  Overall, I feel quite sane. I remember to take my vitamins. I'm still not eating gluten and my body is feeling wonderful.  I'm remembering to do my PT, my balance exercises, and a few extra planks just because I can.  I have stressors, but they are minimal.  

I think I am doing a good job of taking care of myself. I'm sleeping enough, not eating junk, considering my own feelings before I get involved in anything. I'm practicing good awareness, which might be why I'm so flippin' confused about my general state of mind, today.  I am freaking ANGSTY as hell, and I have no reason.  I'm not responding to a damn thing.... I just have a constant growl in my throat and I'm surly and bitchy.  Not just today- this week. Last week. Possibly the week before.  Not consistently, for sure, but more often than I'd like.

First world problems, first world answers.  I went and found myself a book on meditating on happiness and gratitude that came recommended from a happy chick I know, and I'm going to brain myself out of my funk starting tonight.

I get cranky when I'm sick.

5 people just made my "stab you in the eye with a stick" list for "liking" my sickness.

Clearly, I need to be in bed with some nice hot gluten-free soup... which, for the record?  Isn't nice.

With free advice, you get what you pay for...

So, some time back (in 2011, to be specific) I was soliciting my SmartGirls for blogprompts and Peeps sent me a few. I promptly didn't use them, but here's one now!

Peeps asked:

I would love to see a breakdown of times when it's ok to get trashy and times when it's never ok to get trashy. I mean like dress and manners and dancing that is definitely not ballroom. I need help letting my hair down from time to time, and other people need help pinning theirs into a tidy chignon.

I am not choosing to interpret this as a "how do I dress up from work or dress down for a nightclub" question.  Cosmo, Glamour, or any other chick magazine have you covered there.  I am assuming, rather, that you want to know when it is acceptible to break out the stripper heels, the fishnets, the cleavage-enhancing bra and the red lipstick - ALL AT ONCE - and not be judged for it by your peers.

TAKE YOUR PEERS WITH YOU.

It is more fun to be a dancing tramp in a herd. One girl looking like a skank is a warning signal.  Three or more? That's a good time, and there might be a story there.  If the non-skanks in da club ask what's going on, have some fun with it. Tell them that in honor of the 20th annivarsary of Married with Children's debut on Fox, you decided to host a Peg Bundy Appreciation Party.  Or actually host a Peg Bundy Appreciation party and forget needing a good story.  Write your own... then send me pictures.

As to "when not"?  We're grownups.  I prefer to consider whether children or "normal" grandparents will be present.  If the answer is yes, then the answer to the SkankGear is "no."

The hazards of being my friend: Unicorns, Musical Theatre, Sarcasm.

(1:24:52 PM) Sarah: Friday, Feb. 8. 7:30. Avenue Q in Shreveport. You in?
(1:25:01 PM) Denise: .....
(1:25:01 PM) Denise: Avenue !
(1:25:04 PM) Denise: Q
(1:25:05 PM) Denise: ?
(1:26:02 PM) Sarah: YES
(1:26:10 PM) Sarah : Telllll me you know what I am talking about.
(1:26:15 PM) Denise: ......
(1:26:17 PM) Denise: um
(1:26:22 PM) Denise: stand by
(1:27:14 PM) Denise: well that seems interesting

And then.....


(1:29:49 PM) Sarah: Friday, Feb. 8. 7:30. Avenue Q in Shreveport. You in?
(1:30:00 PM) Sarah: Your heathen girlfriend isn't familiar with Ave Q.
(1:30:13 PM) Jennifer: is that a band?
(1:30:23 PM) Sarah: *sobs and wails*

And then Krak knew what I meant, and so thus, I was ok, because she did point out something...

(1:43:07 PM) Krak: they got the home depot genes not the musical theater

But then....

Sarah: taking some of the girls for Avenue Q on the night of the 8thJames: was that spose to come to meIsn't Avenue Q the dress store
Sarah: ...............musical
puppets
"The Internet is for Porn"?
James: puppets are more illegal than porn here.

Sounds like it's time for a "Get your ass cultured" field trip!

What do you do, indeed....

Second and 3rd shows of 2013; a bunch of other stuff, too!

Monday morning met me with trying to think of one solid and viable reason for why I should call in sick to work.  It was dreary... and I am capital-T Tired.

Friday Morning: Ortho Appointment

Thank the Sweet Gods of Roller Derby, I get to skate again. I've got to hold back on full contact for a week or two but that's ok; I can at least roll, which is enough for now.  My team has been hitting the ground running on endurance and skills this season, and I am very eager to catch up- and now I can.  Glory-be.  I feel like I ought to erect a small alter in the names of Quadzilla and Suzy Hotrod or something, and sacrifice bearings to it monthly.  Or maybe I should just freakin' skate.

Friday Night: Show at the Man Cave on Dalzell Street:  The Rusty Shacklefords, Midnight Tiger, Blood Punch.

The man cave used to be an efficiency apartment behind a residence. Now it has been turned into a practice space by some folks with some serious love for reusing and recycling carpet and carpet insulation... the addition of such on the walls and ceiling definitely gives it a certain vibe.  This was not a hugely advertised free, all ages show, but the bonus is that only about 15 people can fit into the venue, so that worked out.

The Shax did a great set despite Eric being a little out of his element on a borrowed drum kit (a move to keep space free, due to the size of the place).  Midnight Tiger was a band I was unfamiliar with; I'd heard lead vocalist Dylan as a drummer and Mike on guitar with other local bands but had not heard this group before (and I have no idea who the bassist was, though I'm sure he's a very nice person).  I've gotta say they were more metal than I was expecting and the sound was tight even if I couldn't follow the lyrics for the most part.  Blood Punch I was also entirely unfamiliar with; a three-part Hip Hop group with some fun lyrics.  We didn't stick around through their entire set; I was getting claustrophobic and Eric was feeling bad, so we abandoned Dalzell and found food and then rallied later for beers at Strange Brew, where there was no live music but I found an Erdinger hefeweisen and Misti found Peach Lamic, and a Ghost Hunter met up with us and a good time was had by all until Strange Brew closed.

TCK League Meeting:  ALL DAMN DAY Saturday

Good work got done. I'm not a president anymore!  Now I'm a secretary, and that's better, I think.  This was followed by a glorious nap and a thought that I'd just lay around and read, but instead...

Saturday Night: Noble Savage:  Everyday People

I decided to head downtown to catch a group I've heard of for ages but never seen.  I declined the menu and found myself another hefe, though I can't recall which one, now. Pity, it was good.  I had an absolutely wonderful time reading my kindle app (American Gods, finally) and listening to a really good brassy band with a jazzy rock vibe and being grateful that the Savage is the kind of place where you can enjoy an introverted moment while still being in a social setting.  Eventually I was found by a couple of the Ghost Hunters, and it was another late night, but Sunday was able to be a mostly chill day, so it worked out.

...and then my email ads tried to sell me fake macaroni, and I suddenly hated the world.

I started the Gluten Free clinical PKD study yesterday.

Compared to the Tolviptan study, this is a cake walk (HA! No cake. EVER).  That study had an awful lot of guidelines and checkups and MRIs and fatigue and work.  It was also a paid study.

The GF study is not paid; it is completely voluntary. I signed on for two months of honest food logging (and I can use Sparkpeople for that); weekly weigh-ins, and a round of pre-and-post bloodwork and ultrasounds.  I don't have to avoid items that are processed in gluten-y facilities, and if I fall off the wagon I'm just supposed to be honest, recover, roll on.  It's basically like getting to do Weight Watchers with the same accountability factors and no actual paying for Weight Watchers!  SCORE, right?  I mean, Yay! Renal Health! and all, but I really wouldn't be sad if I lost the 20-ish lbs I've gained back since I quit WW.

No beer.
No whiskey.
No bread.
No pasta.
No cake.
No breaded fried things.

But hey... bananas have no gluten. I love bananas!
Bananas are boring.

I planned on doing a bit of prep for this, but with holidays and my dad being over and everybody in the damn WORLD having the flu, I'll admit that I did not spend the weekend thoughtfully poring over GF cookbooks and writing immaculate menus and pre-cooking garbanzo beans.  I spent it eating pizza, drinking beer, and napping, and I played some games with some friends and the nephews.  It ended up being a good weekend but Monday morning I was not so prepared.

#1 piece of advice given to baby GFers?  "Keep almonds in your purse!"

Oh, yeah.... I'm allergic to those.

So yesterday, I ended up eating all day and feeling the presence of my bread-addicted tapeworm despite it. The internet/books say that that is a normal product of the transition, but I didn't think I was all that gluten dependent to start with. I'm probably completely wrong, of course.  Today is feeling better; I made wiser morning decisions and packed a survival kit of peanuts and carrots and a banana.  I am trying to completely ignore GF Convenience Foods; they'll probably taste like hippies, and if I can work on culling out as much processed stuff as possible I'll at least be able to feel smug, which is important with a big challenge.  I may try to con Aarin into baking some GF bread at some point, but I think I'm just going to view this as a form of Paleo and see what happens.

First show of 2013 - punk night at the Rustic Cowboy

The Rusty Shacklefords, Social Bliss, and Prestor John
1/5/13 
The Rustic Cowboy, Keithville, LA

True story, as discovered when I was discussing this show via text earlier in the week- my phone autocorrects "Keithville" as "Amtyville."


The Rustic Cowboy is about as appropriate as a bar name can be.  It's very, very rural.

It's the sort of bar where the bouncer will tell your friends that he's a Neo-Nazi like it's not a bad thing. It's also a bar with a killer setup.  I've heard all three of these bands before and haven't heard any of them sound so great.

The Rusty Shacklefords

Social Bliss

Prestor John

So, my final review is that the sound system is amazing and some of the staff is awesome, but it's still kind of unfortunate that Bob's Country Bunker (sans chickenwire) still has a home in the 21st Century.  A few of the natives were fine, but an awful lot of them had the Amityville vibe.  I wouldn't go back alone, to say the least.

Medusa and I also got to spend a little bit of time discussing whether or not we wanted to make an honest go at trying to get a One Billion Rising event going with a deadline of 2/14, or if we wouldn't be better off trying to start on that for next year while looking at a Slut Walk for later this year.  I am mildly concerned about being able to get permits and such for the latter, but we both think that since it has had more publicity and people have at least HEARD of Slut Walks, we might be able to get some support.

2012 in Instant Messages

Once you take out all of the good dirt, there's not really that much left... but I really didn't want to do the annual recap. Instead, things that made me smile out of my chatlogs.

January 5, 2012

James: free tattoos , too good to be true
me: Oh come on. No sense of adventure.
James: just dont share it with the local medieval group
me: THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

January 30, 2012

Sabine: So something with eclectic in the title? eccentric? bizarre? f'n nuts?
legitmatized whores?
me: Eclectic is fine. Eccentric is OK. f'n nuts should be the surprise. The gift-with-purchase.

February 27, 2012

Becca: gulf wars?
Me: Nope! New job started today!

March 30, 2012

Sabine: you need to choose a cover photo for your fanpage
me: meh. Done.
Sabine: nice ass
me: I know RIGHT?

May 8, 2012:

me: Yesterday, I saw that Diamond Jack's had, as far as I could tell, overcharged my debit card by $15 from dinner Saturday. So I went home and got my receipt. Now today, that amount that had been charged as $15 over shows as the proper amount... so I don't get to call and yell at somebody and that really makes me mad.
Sabine: I feel ya, making that Amazon chick feel like shit was the most rewarding thing I've done in a month.
me: jealous.
Sabine: Although drowning gummi bears in a bottle vodka was a close second.
me: I'm still feeling precarious about that one. I thought that last time we declared boozy gummis to be an epic fail?
Sabine: I have no recollection of doing this before. And these fuckers are amazing.
me: awesome. Maybe it was everclear, then? The gummis melted and we basically had flammable jelly. Like napalm with faces here and there.
Sabine: Yeah with these I took a 3 pound bag of bears and fed them a bottle of vodka. A few days later I fed them another bottle of vodka. And yesterday I fed them a can of fruit punch concentrate with only half the water added to it.
And you stir every day. Twice a day.
me: that sounds far more well planned than whatever it was we did.
Ian was involved...
Sabine: I feel like I've been raising gremlins in my refrigerator.
me: how cute!

June 11

Me (To EvilSara): Greensmoke batteries do not like to go swimming.
JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.

June 12

me: Sometimes I wish I could be convinced to give a damn about Dr. Who or Battlestar Galactica. I think life would just be easier. But you know what? I don't. And here's a bonus tidbit- I don't give a fuck about Firefly, either.
Wow, that felt good.
Sabine: I'm actually trying really hard to give a damn about Dr. Who. It is a challenge.
me: I tried.

July 25

me: Palmer referred me to friends getting married. They're having a Superhero themed wedding and a fight is going to break out during the ceremony.
Sabine: AWESOME. take notes, my wedding has to top ALL weddings.
me: Yes, dear.
Between the glitter cannon and Holy making you exchange blood with your husband, I'm sure it will win.
Sabine: And don't forget at least 2 musical numbers.
Cause 3 would be overkill.

August 23

Bri: I just might light a match if he fell in a pool of kerosene. But I wouldn't pour the pool.
me: That's what teamwork is for. I totally would.

September 4:

Becca: Dante called me and told me he needs more freedom. and a car.
I'm not sure how he's going to drive, but i didn't think it was my place to ask.
me: Dante can have a car when he gets his grades up.

September 27

Krak: guess who won a lotto prize?!
$4!!
yay
I turned down Whataburger
I feel like I've betrayed myself
Are you ok today special friend?? Do I need to come up there and make cheer happen?
me: Sweet jesus, I'm sorry. Since switching to Pidgen, it's not notifying me.
Like, there's nothing FLASHING.
I am good. And I am thrilled that you won the lotto and so dissapointed that neither one of us had a cheeseburger.
I have a facebook convo on my wall... "name 3 things you can buy at wal-mart that will inspire the cashier to call the cops."
"WD-40, duct tape, athletic supporter." "Koolaid, ant poison, dixie cups." "Safety glasses, dog collar, knee pads." "Adult diapers, children's toy doctor kit, rubberbands." "Doggie chew toy, enema, jumper cables."
I'm glad to know I keep classy company.
Krak: that you do
I don't get the wd 40 one
I'm not SURE I do either.
I don't know that person, though. Maybe there's a back story.
 "Rubber gloves, blue tarp, duct tape." That one, I like.
Krak: I would go with shotgun shells, needle nose pliers, lengths of pipe
oh but you'd also need duct tape
I'm no good a 3 item anarchy
me: can you get pipe at wal mart?
Krak: pvc
which also explodes rather nicely
ok, right on.
if I could add metal army men, that shit would be DEADLY
me: *snort*
Krak: I could do a lot more at Home Depot
me: I mean, you can get Fertilizer AND a blowtorch at Home Depot.

October 3

Jenny: http://www.barackobama.com/debate/find-a-debate-party
Jenny: did you know these existed?
me: No, but I found this last night: http://www.debatedrinking.com/
now to combine the two... debate drinking with strangers from the internet! Sounds like a project for Craigslist.
Jenny: bahahahaha

October 29

Sabine: http://www.copylicious.com/2010/08/an-introverts-guide-to-spontaneous-departures/
me: ...cheesy bread???
Sabine: true f'n story

October 30

Denise: lol
i hurt
fish tacos
and tacos with white sauce
me: with sour cream!
Denise: and tacos with yogurt
me: I know. Jenny came in right as I was getting that shit ready to share FAR AND WIDE.
I decided against FB...
largely because I don't need my 68 year old aunt saying "I don't get it? You LOVE Fish Tacos!"
Denise: lol
yeah you do
me: Nah, I thought about it. I don't.
BLOG POST.
Denise: YES!

November 27

me: I just went to "Gizoogle.com" and put in my blog's URL. Though the translation requires me to highlight words to read them, that shit is AMAZING. Clearly, I'd be much cooler if I were gangsta.
Denise: lol
its trying to make me translate it to spanish
wtf
me: Ok, well, I have no answer for that.
Denise: gizoogle.net
just sayin
me: WHATEVER.
Denise: it matters!!!
me: 3 letters? 3 letters never matter that much.
Denise: 800 vs 888
:O
me: Well, I usually round up.

November 27

me: Ermagerrrrd... I am TIRED today.
And EMO.
Jenny: im sore too!
me: I'm only a little sore. Stupid shoulder, again, mostly.
My thighs are kinda tight, but nothing crazy.
http://gawker.com/5963405/not-even-kidding-hidden-camera-show-pulls-scariest-elevator-prank-ever
OH HELL NO.
Jenny: bahahahaha
me: I'd die.
Jenny: i would be like those girls huddled in the corner
me: TRUTH.
Jennifer: that girl probably had a great time
me: I'm just glad that nobody decided to kick the shit out of her.
  'Cause I might.
Oh god. Bruce just came to see what was wrong with me because this made me laugh so hard. http://www.buzzfeed.com/zekejmiller/chinese-website-congratulates-kim-jong-un-on-being
Jenny: lol, awww the onion has caused quite a few people to be confused
me: Satire is hard.

December 6

me: Amazon recommends: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0762444142/ref=s9_simh_co_p14_d3_i6?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=left-2&pf_rd_r=1103FQN70EFNAPV00SWF&pf_rd_t=3201&pf_rd_p=1280661782&pf_rd_i=typ01
W. T. F. ?
Jenny: baHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
me: Buy it in a set with Bi-Curious George!
Jenny: and now that is in my browsing history! damn you sarah
me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!