It was not without happy moments, to be sure. I had some of those, to be sure, but I also fell into a pretty ugly cycle of negative thoughts.
* I don't want to be doing this.
* Nobody likes me.
* I am a failure because my knee is injured.
* I am shit with time and money management.
* My taste in music sucks.
* My taste in entertainment sucks.
* My taste in clothing, which I look horrible in, also sucks.
Sometime around Sunday, I got out of the funk. The ennui, it happens.
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| You are beautiful, flower. I WILL EAT YOU. |
Monday: Personal conflict and some hurty conversations.
Tuesday: More hurty conversations, but also some great ones.
Wednesday: Had super fun plans go awry. End result - not super fun, felt rejected, got pissy.
Thursday: Information on the medical front that left me feeling really fragile and upset. BUT I also had a very good evening despite that.
Friday: COME AT ME, BRO. Like, seriously. What you got?
So far, I'm not super happy with today, but I am making a concerted effort to be happy with myself despite the fact that not all the circumstances are fun, that sometimes painful things have to happen, and that not all of the people are capable of giving me all of the attention all of the time.
Here's the good part: When I remember not to give up on it, all this "think yourself happy" practice I've been trying to engage in is really working for me. For all that shitty stuff up there, I have got so many good things to counter.
* I am already getting stronger with my new PT regimen... and my ass is looking amazing.
* At least 3 different people have told me that they love me every single day this week (some overlap from day to day, of course).
* I made 3 new friends this week, and I think they're all keepers.
* I accepted two invites for things to do this weekend, and had to decline 4.
* I have made time, despite being busy and sometimes sad, to take care of myself properly. I'm eating super clean, getting my long baths and my book time, and cuddling the kitties as much as they want.
* After reviewing my budget, I realized that I'm actually awesome with money, and that medical bills are expensive, and it's going to be ok. I'm not being a jackass and my expenditures are really quite conservative.
*Tomorrow marks 100 days since I was a smoker. Confession- I did steal a couple of drags from Misti on two occasions. They were awful... but that's the extent of the backsliding.
* In a week, I get to see the Dalai Lama, and in two weeks, it's Black Flag.
It's gonna be OK. Hell, it IS OK, it's just the kind of OK that needs a little extra work.
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