Hard Shit: Still Hard.

Last weekend, I went to New Orleans with some beloved friends to see the Dalai Lama.  Have you ever been in a room of thousands and felt calm and at peace?  I hadn't. I did. It was amazing.  I'd like to say that I emerged from the weekend at one with my inner ZenMistress, but.... no.

I got some cool mental and emotional tools. I learned some neat stuff.  I let myself relax and enjoy the moment and be present, and was able to not worry about the little things that I normally fixate on, like checking the messages on my phone to make sure nobody NEEDED anything.  I spent a few hours for a few days not thinking about who was looking or judging or seeing or doing, just on my own being.  Pretty cool.  I got to have an absolutely perfect evening out with a great friend, and it was good.  Checking out for the weekend, whether in the context of a spiritual zen trip or just in general, was needed.  My edges were getting frayed, and they got a bit smoothed by the getaway.

Upon my return to The Real World, I am more in touch with the reality that I'm not exactly doing ok.  There are certain benchmarks that I keep an eye on of things that are in-check when I am happy and in a good place, mentally.  Things like making my bed every morning, putting my laundry away quickly, not eating junk.  Well, for the most part I am not eating junk but I'm letting other things slip, or I find myself half-assing them.  I have TIME to do things, but I find myself curling up with a cat and a book because that feels like what my body and mind want to be doing, and I don't have the willpower to say "fuck you, body.  Your ass CAN go do some damn packing."  I don't wanna.  Can't make me.

I feel like I am not keeping up with my "to do" list, and that is demoralizing, but at the same time I do not regret that I have been prioritizing people over things lately.  I've gotten to spend time with awesome people and start working on some great projects.  Surely important, but now I'm caught in the struggle between trying to rationalize my Grasshopper vs. Ant attitudes.  I have had a headache since Sunday.  I've got no energy.  I give my energy to social endeavors and have none left for the boring tedious shit I need to do. It's a problem.

So, clearly, "Do what I want to do" isn't working out so well. I'm finding myself feeling guilty, and I'm not making as much progress as I need and want to toward getting ready to sell my house- as in, absolutely no progress this week.  I'm hoping to use the upcoming weekend as a reset and start scheduling my days a little more strictly.  I'll leave time for social things and fun things and curling up with my cat and my book, but I need to treat some of my necessary projects with the same gravity as a work schedule, I guess.

I just want a nap, first.