Seriously? Have you MET me?
I want to do so many things. I wouldn't say I've got a huge bucket list, but I have a list of things I'd like to get to, if the getting is good.
I want to nail 25 laps in 5 minutes and improve my derby skills all the way around, considerably.
I want to take a cruise, even though sunlight hates me.
I want to go back to Alaska as an adult, and revisit my childhood.
I want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
I want to find an easy-to-maintain, age-appropriate hairstyle that actually works with my hair.
I want to get my pelican tattoo designed and done, and 2 of my others retouched/fixed.
I want to have at least a year's worth of living expenses socked away in a safe place where I can get to it, where it won't cost me a stupid amount of fees to get to it, and to never, ever have to touch it.I want to find a situation for my dad that is comfortable for him but lets me keep an eye on him better than I'm doing now.
I want to have a BMI that falls soundly within the range of "normal" for once in my life.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be better at this whole "unconditional love" thing.
I want to be able to do 100 pushups. Real ones, not girly ones.
I want to find more reading material that speaks to me on a spiritual level.
I want to attend every single live music event I can find, and really get into it.
I want to more fully enjoy the experience of meeting new people.
I want to more fully enjoy the experience of knowing the people I have.
And really and truly, though it doesn't matter much to anybody in the grand scheme of things, I want to learn how to dance.
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge .
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Prompted: Day 4--- Something you have to forgive someone for.
This one isn't going to be as easy as yesterday's was.
I am reading this question as asking "do you OWE somebody forgiveness for something." Obviously- I don't *have* to forgive anybody, but there are times when you need to be able to say "alright, that person is obviously repentant, let's let this go now." And you know what? You do that for you, most of the time. It's a guilt thing, this drive to forgive other people, more often than not. The weight of things to keep up with can get heavy as far as grudges go, and it's feels good to be free of those burdens.
--sidebar--
To call myself "sensitive" is an understatement. I may bounce back quickly, but I really do wound easier than I should. So, I often have little tiny things that I'm resentful of, but they usually pass within a day or two. I get that I'm a soft girl, and it's not a challenge at all to make me cry. But that's not what this is about.
--and, we're back--
I've only got 2 serious personal grudges that I hold. The stories behind them are more personal than I'm comfortable getting into, so we'll just say that I've had brief moments in my life where I may have resembled the ugly parts of Tina Turner's life story, but without the musical talent, sequins, and fabulous calves. And while I've gotten over the emotional damages caused by those moments for the most part, I can't say I've come close to issuing forgiveness. To me, forgiveness has to be absolutely genuine to count. It has to be genuine, and I feel like there's an obligation to let the other party know that they're being forgiven.
In these particular cases, I don't feel that forgiveness is deserved or even wanted, and I don't lose any time worrying about it. I think that if I felt my unwillingess to wipe the slate clean on acts of personal abuse were holding me back from making progress in my life, I'd figure it out. Quite the contrary- I think that remembering the lessons held in those incidents has contributed to my growth as a person. I know now, irrefutably, where "the line" is in my own life. I know what a "bad day within a healthy relationship" smells like, versus "a bad relationship."
So, nope. I'm good here. I don't feel the need to forgive anybody for anything... and it feels pretty darned good.
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge .
I am reading this question as asking "do you OWE somebody forgiveness for something." Obviously- I don't *have* to forgive anybody, but there are times when you need to be able to say "alright, that person is obviously repentant, let's let this go now." And you know what? You do that for you, most of the time. It's a guilt thing, this drive to forgive other people, more often than not. The weight of things to keep up with can get heavy as far as grudges go, and it's feels good to be free of those burdens.
--sidebar--
To call myself "sensitive" is an understatement. I may bounce back quickly, but I really do wound easier than I should. So, I often have little tiny things that I'm resentful of, but they usually pass within a day or two. I get that I'm a soft girl, and it's not a challenge at all to make me cry. But that's not what this is about.
--and, we're back--
I've only got 2 serious personal grudges that I hold. The stories behind them are more personal than I'm comfortable getting into, so we'll just say that I've had brief moments in my life where I may have resembled the ugly parts of Tina Turner's life story, but without the musical talent, sequins, and fabulous calves. And while I've gotten over the emotional damages caused by those moments for the most part, I can't say I've come close to issuing forgiveness. To me, forgiveness has to be absolutely genuine to count. It has to be genuine, and I feel like there's an obligation to let the other party know that they're being forgiven.
In these particular cases, I don't feel that forgiveness is deserved or even wanted, and I don't lose any time worrying about it. I think that if I felt my unwillingess to wipe the slate clean on acts of personal abuse were holding me back from making progress in my life, I'd figure it out. Quite the contrary- I think that remembering the lessons held in those incidents has contributed to my growth as a person. I know now, irrefutably, where "the line" is in my own life. I know what a "bad day within a healthy relationship" smells like, versus "a bad relationship."
So, nope. I'm good here. I don't feel the need to forgive anybody for anything... and it feels pretty darned good.
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge .
Sunday, January 2, 2011
So here we are, on the other side....
What a MEMORABLE New Year!
The Costume party at Mouse's was great, of course. Not a huge crowd and with mustaches and giant Jenga for all. And the ice luge, which we're officially Too Damned Old for. We know that we are too damned old for it, because we had to call an ambulance.... at 11 the NEXT morning. We thought it was a seizure or something of that sort, but no, it was just a righteous hangover (and no, not me. I did have a righteous hangover but apparently it could have been worse). The communal New Years' Resolution was originally "no more hard liquor" but I'm starting to wonder if maybe it just shouldn't be "no more drinking with John." Losing my tact filter somewhere during hour 3 of Emergency Room Lobby fun notwithstanding, it was a really good weekend.
Of course, it would have been better if Sabine had been there with us, but her absence is her story to tell.
So... that was that. Unfortunately, I'm starting to be worried that "the way you spend New Years' Day will be how you spend the rest of your year" is going to be true this time around, and I don't think it's going to be exclusively the part where I make inappropriate jokes with my friends, watch movies in PJs, and eat sushi in good company. My dad is sick, I found out tonight, and refusing to go to the ER. His sister is taking him to the doctor tomorrow, but based on what I've heard he should have gone last week... and he's got all the symptoms of pneumonia that have landed him in the ICU at least 3 times in as many years. SO- I am packing my bag tonight in preparation for heading to Aberdeen tomorrow (Mississippi, not the fun one). And for now, I'm going to try to get some sleep just in case tomorrow involves a long car trip.
The Costume party at Mouse's was great, of course. Not a huge crowd and with mustaches and giant Jenga for all. And the ice luge, which we're officially Too Damned Old for. We know that we are too damned old for it, because we had to call an ambulance.... at 11 the NEXT morning. We thought it was a seizure or something of that sort, but no, it was just a righteous hangover (and no, not me. I did have a righteous hangover but apparently it could have been worse). The communal New Years' Resolution was originally "no more hard liquor" but I'm starting to wonder if maybe it just shouldn't be "no more drinking with John." Losing my tact filter somewhere during hour 3 of Emergency Room Lobby fun notwithstanding, it was a really good weekend.
Of course, it would have been better if Sabine had been there with us, but her absence is her story to tell.
So... that was that. Unfortunately, I'm starting to be worried that "the way you spend New Years' Day will be how you spend the rest of your year" is going to be true this time around, and I don't think it's going to be exclusively the part where I make inappropriate jokes with my friends, watch movies in PJs, and eat sushi in good company. My dad is sick, I found out tonight, and refusing to go to the ER. His sister is taking him to the doctor tomorrow, but based on what I've heard he should have gone last week... and he's got all the symptoms of pneumonia that have landed him in the ICU at least 3 times in as many years. SO- I am packing my bag tonight in preparation for heading to Aberdeen tomorrow (Mississippi, not the fun one). And for now, I'm going to try to get some sleep just in case tomorrow involves a long car trip.
Prompted: Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I've been looking forward to this one!
No, really.
See, here's the thing. I can honestly say- no bullshit- that I have NO regrets. Not a single one. I don't have anything I've ever done that I think I need to make up to myself.
Sure, I can think of things that, if I had the chance to do again, I'd do differently. Some, I might not even do at all... but those actions that weren't as great as others aren't things to hold against myself, those are a valuable collection of lessons learned. There have been some epic lessons in my days and in the heat of the moment I've probably said, once or twice or thirty times that I wish I hadn't done something... but so far, I've not made a slip that has deserved to be grudged over that I haven't gotten over yet. I have a clean slate in this department... and I sure hope it stays that way. Life can be challenging enough without having yourself fully on your own side.
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge .
No, really.
See, here's the thing. I can honestly say- no bullshit- that I have NO regrets. Not a single one. I don't have anything I've ever done that I think I need to make up to myself.
Sure, I can think of things that, if I had the chance to do again, I'd do differently. Some, I might not even do at all... but those actions that weren't as great as others aren't things to hold against myself, those are a valuable collection of lessons learned. There have been some epic lessons in my days and in the heat of the moment I've probably said, once or twice or thirty times that I wish I hadn't done something... but so far, I've not made a slip that has deserved to be grudged over that I haven't gotten over yet. I have a clean slate in this department... and I sure hope it stays that way. Life can be challenging enough without having yourself fully on your own side.
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge .
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Prompted: Day 02 — Something you love about yourself.
Dear Me,
Sorry about all that yesterday. I just had to get some things off my chest, you know, because really, deep down inside I know you're not a weak person. You've been a rock for a lot people, and those people really do love you for it. How many people come to you to talk about their problems? And most of the time, you actually do them some good. They say "thank you" and they mean it, and they even love you enough to generally hop on board with whatever harebrained scheme you come up with because you typically don't lead people wrong. You've got legions of amazing people who are loyal to you, and they respect and appreciate your loyalty in turn because they know that you're a good person with a reasonably stable head on your shoulders. That doesn't just happen to everyone, you know. You solve problems better than almost anybody else I know, really. That whole "Sarah, find my ass for me" joke and accompanying dance didn't come along because you aren't competent. Sure, it's funny as hell but the funniest things are rooted in truth.
You joke that you have a horrible memory and that's why you only get to hold 3 grudges at a time, but really, we both know that you're just soft and you forgive and give second chances as often as you can justify them and that's freaking awesome. It's so much easier to not bear the burden of holding anger towards somebody, and it's great that you choose to relieve yourself of those burdens when are able to. Think about how many fewer lists you have to keep up with that way!
You're a FUNNY girl. Like, seriously kneeslappingly funny. Hell, you drive Sabine off the road and make Sara quit breathing with your humor at least once a week, and some of your favorite people's favorite memories of you are of you making them laugh. Sure, not everybody gets your humor and sometimes you're an acquired taste, but the people who know you best appreciate your quips and your snarkiness, even when you're teasing them. Of course, you also know that it's not a one-woman show and the lineup of your life could rival the cast of even the best seasons of Saturday Night Live because you've had the good sense to surround yourself with brilliantly funny people, too (but we're going to keep that "acquired taste" disclaimer in place, ok?). Who cares if you have questionable taste in music and sweaters? You have amazing taste in people... and people are what count the most. See? You got it right.
You rock!
Love,
Me
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge Prompty List.
Sorry about all that yesterday. I just had to get some things off my chest, you know, because really, deep down inside I know you're not a weak person. You've been a rock for a lot people, and those people really do love you for it. How many people come to you to talk about their problems? And most of the time, you actually do them some good. They say "thank you" and they mean it, and they even love you enough to generally hop on board with whatever harebrained scheme you come up with because you typically don't lead people wrong. You've got legions of amazing people who are loyal to you, and they respect and appreciate your loyalty in turn because they know that you're a good person with a reasonably stable head on your shoulders. That doesn't just happen to everyone, you know. You solve problems better than almost anybody else I know, really. That whole "Sarah, find my ass for me" joke and accompanying dance didn't come along because you aren't competent. Sure, it's funny as hell but the funniest things are rooted in truth.
You joke that you have a horrible memory and that's why you only get to hold 3 grudges at a time, but really, we both know that you're just soft and you forgive and give second chances as often as you can justify them and that's freaking awesome. It's so much easier to not bear the burden of holding anger towards somebody, and it's great that you choose to relieve yourself of those burdens when are able to. Think about how many fewer lists you have to keep up with that way!
You're a FUNNY girl. Like, seriously kneeslappingly funny. Hell, you drive Sabine off the road and make Sara quit breathing with your humor at least once a week, and some of your favorite people's favorite memories of you are of you making them laugh. Sure, not everybody gets your humor and sometimes you're an acquired taste, but the people who know you best appreciate your quips and your snarkiness, even when you're teasing them. Of course, you also know that it's not a one-woman show and the lineup of your life could rival the cast of even the best seasons of Saturday Night Live because you've had the good sense to surround yourself with brilliantly funny people, too (but we're going to keep that "acquired taste" disclaimer in place, ok?). Who cares if you have questionable taste in music and sweaters? You have amazing taste in people... and people are what count the most. See? You got it right.
You rock!
Love,
Me
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge Prompty List.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Prompted: Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.
I don't like the word "hate". Words have power and I feel like if you give something the power of your hate you are empowering that thing... giving it leverage over you. So instead... well... this.
Dear Me,
You're not intrinsically a bad person. You don't usually wake up in the morning thinking "Hmmm, who can I make miserable today?" and it's been ages- like EVER- since you kicked a puppy or took candy from a baby. You are the kind of girl who gets actual honest-to-god JOY out of making other people happy...
So it makes no damn sense, whatsoever, that you always jump to take the bullets of other people's unhappiness, when most of the time they have nothing to do with you at all. If somebody doesn't show up for a party- you're convinced that it's because you're there. If somebody doesn't smile at you, they can't just be having a crappy day. You KNOW that they can't stand you and it's all your fault. Being a bit insecure about some things is fine, but unless you have constant validation from other sources, you're a mess that tangles her mess up with other peoples' messes and just makes a bigger mess. It's not up to you to take their burden upon your own shoulders, especially not without their consent. They're going to be fine... probably more fine if you don't meddle. People know you're competent- if they need you, they'll ask. Really. You have your own problems to worry about, you know.
You have ugly feet. Your hair is limp and lifeless. You talk too much, especially when you're nervous, and even though you've lost weight, you are STILL too damn fat for your own good. Maybe keep your nose in your own problems and work on those while you're waiting for somebody else to need rescuing. Hell, it couldn't hurt. Do some crunches while you wait. Or squats. Squats are good.
Furthermore- you want to compliment-fish and you feel like you have to do more than everybody else does just to prove that you're worthy to be around, but then you want to be all martyr and you can't have it both ways. You put undue pressure on the people who love you to provide you with validation for your existence... and you know what? It's not their job. Their job might be to love you but they don't have to coddle you. You're a grownup. Get over yourself.
Sure, you can fake self-esteem, but could you maybe just go get some and stop faking it so damn much? It's exhausting, and it's unnecessary. If you spent half as much time on actual self improvement as you did changing clothes 18 times before you left the house, you'd probably be halfway there by now... and you'd get to places on time, too. People are either going to like you or they aren't, and you can't do much about that. What you can do something about is not needing their approval for every. damn. thing. you. do.
Love,
Me
PS: Don't get all emo. The good stuff comes tomorrow... and it'll be worth it.
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge Prompty List.
Dear Me,
You're not intrinsically a bad person. You don't usually wake up in the morning thinking "Hmmm, who can I make miserable today?" and it's been ages- like EVER- since you kicked a puppy or took candy from a baby. You are the kind of girl who gets actual honest-to-god JOY out of making other people happy...
So it makes no damn sense, whatsoever, that you always jump to take the bullets of other people's unhappiness, when most of the time they have nothing to do with you at all. If somebody doesn't show up for a party- you're convinced that it's because you're there. If somebody doesn't smile at you, they can't just be having a crappy day. You KNOW that they can't stand you and it's all your fault. Being a bit insecure about some things is fine, but unless you have constant validation from other sources, you're a mess that tangles her mess up with other peoples' messes and just makes a bigger mess. It's not up to you to take their burden upon your own shoulders, especially not without their consent. They're going to be fine... probably more fine if you don't meddle. People know you're competent- if they need you, they'll ask. Really. You have your own problems to worry about, you know.
You have ugly feet. Your hair is limp and lifeless. You talk too much, especially when you're nervous, and even though you've lost weight, you are STILL too damn fat for your own good. Maybe keep your nose in your own problems and work on those while you're waiting for somebody else to need rescuing. Hell, it couldn't hurt. Do some crunches while you wait. Or squats. Squats are good.
Furthermore- you want to compliment-fish and you feel like you have to do more than everybody else does just to prove that you're worthy to be around, but then you want to be all martyr and you can't have it both ways. You put undue pressure on the people who love you to provide you with validation for your existence... and you know what? It's not their job. Their job might be to love you but they don't have to coddle you. You're a grownup. Get over yourself.
Sure, you can fake self-esteem, but could you maybe just go get some and stop faking it so damn much? It's exhausting, and it's unnecessary. If you spent half as much time on actual self improvement as you did changing clothes 18 times before you left the house, you'd probably be halfway there by now... and you'd get to places on time, too. People are either going to like you or they aren't, and you can't do much about that. What you can do something about is not needing their approval for every. damn. thing. you. do.
Love,
Me
PS: Don't get all emo. The good stuff comes tomorrow... and it'll be worth it.
This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge Prompty List.
Landmine practice and female bonding
If you ever want to come to terms with your own morality, go to an open skate night at a rink that is hosting a fundraiser for a Church's youth group. There had to be 200 people there tonight, and well over half were under 4'5"... all of which had been cooped up indoors all day, fed a hearty dose of caffeine, and then turned loose like a pack of wild hyenas. Hyenas with wheels on their feet.
Some rinks have established rules- go this direction only, unless told otherwise. Fast to the inside (or vice versa). Do the jam skating and other fancy stuff to the inside, or whatever. Rules.
This is not that rink.
I don't handle change well, if it's not a change I'm hoping for. I'm stubborn that way. 90% of my skating experience lately (which is most of my skating experience, truthfully) has consisted of some variation of "skate with grownups, hopefully go fast, turn left." My initial gut reaction to the crowd and chaos was "nothing good shall come of this." Then one of the girls said something about it being an exercise in observation, and my gears thankfully shifted. I stopped worrying so much about speed and technique and keeping up with somebody specific and instead tried to pay more attention to things like who was where, what was moving, and which child was gunning for me and figuring out evasive techniques that didn't involve falling down... and it turned out to be a good exercise. Roller Derby is about those things, too, and although in an ideal world nobody is just going to run across the track mid-jam, being aware of things that are out of the ordinary is probably a great skill to have.
And speaking of the girls- after practice, I went for a drink with two of my teammates and it turned into a great bonding experience! All around, a good night, and a nice start to the festivities that will usher in my favorite holiday of the year.
I'm a happy girl tonight... happy, but tired.
Some rinks have established rules- go this direction only, unless told otherwise. Fast to the inside (or vice versa). Do the jam skating and other fancy stuff to the inside, or whatever. Rules.
This is not that rink.
I don't handle change well, if it's not a change I'm hoping for. I'm stubborn that way. 90% of my skating experience lately (which is most of my skating experience, truthfully) has consisted of some variation of "skate with grownups, hopefully go fast, turn left." My initial gut reaction to the crowd and chaos was "nothing good shall come of this." Then one of the girls said something about it being an exercise in observation, and my gears thankfully shifted. I stopped worrying so much about speed and technique and keeping up with somebody specific and instead tried to pay more attention to things like who was where, what was moving, and which child was gunning for me and figuring out evasive techniques that didn't involve falling down... and it turned out to be a good exercise. Roller Derby is about those things, too, and although in an ideal world nobody is just going to run across the track mid-jam, being aware of things that are out of the ordinary is probably a great skill to have.
And speaking of the girls- after practice, I went for a drink with two of my teammates and it turned into a great bonding experience! All around, a good night, and a nice start to the festivities that will usher in my favorite holiday of the year.
I'm a happy girl tonight... happy, but tired.
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