Prompted: Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.

I don't like the word "hate".  Words have power and I feel like if you give something the power of your hate you are empowering that thing... giving it leverage over you.  So instead... well... this.


Dear Me,

You're not intrinsically a bad person.  You don't usually wake up in the morning thinking "Hmmm, who can I make miserable today?" and it's been ages- like EVER- since you kicked a puppy or took candy from a baby.  You are the kind of girl who gets actual honest-to-god JOY out of making other people happy...

So it makes no damn sense, whatsoever, that you always jump to take the bullets of other people's unhappiness, when most of the time they have nothing to do with you at all.  If somebody doesn't show up for a party- you're convinced that it's because you're there.  If somebody doesn't smile at you, they can't just be having a crappy day. You KNOW that they can't stand you and it's all your fault.  Being a bit insecure about some things is fine, but unless you have constant validation from other sources, you're a mess that tangles her mess up with other peoples' messes and just makes a bigger mess.  It's not up to you to take their burden upon your own shoulders, especially not without their consent.  They're going to be fine... probably more fine if you don't meddle.  People know you're competent- if they need you, they'll ask. Really.  You have your own problems to worry about, you know.
You have ugly feet. Your hair is limp and lifeless. You talk too much, especially when you're nervous, and even though you've lost weight, you are STILL too damn fat for your own good.  Maybe keep your nose in your own problems and work on those while you're waiting for somebody else to need rescuing. Hell, it couldn't hurt.  Do some crunches while you wait. Or squats. Squats are good.

Furthermore- you want to compliment-fish and you feel like you have to do more than everybody else does just to prove that you're worthy to be around, but then you want to be all martyr and you can't have it both ways.  You put undue pressure on the people who love you to provide you with validation for your existence... and you know what? It's not their job.  Their job might be to love you but they don't have to coddle you. You're a grownup. Get over yourself.

Sure, you can fake self-esteem, but could you maybe just go get some and stop faking it so damn much?  It's exhausting, and it's unnecessary.  If you spent half as much time on actual self improvement as you did changing clothes 18 times before you left the house, you'd probably be halfway there by now... and you'd get to places on time, too.  People are either going to like you or they aren't, and you can't do much about that. What you can do something about is not needing their approval for every. damn. thing. you. do.
 

Love,
Me

PS: Don't get all emo. The good stuff comes tomorrow... and it'll be worth it.



This post is part of the 30 Days of Truth Challenge Prompty List.