"She's not crazy, knock on wood, just a little misunderstood"

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

It's not a secret- I've been playing the "Do you like Pina Coladas?" Game, as a dear one refers to it. I'm talking about the game that is internet dating... and you know what? I'm finally willing to say it. I do not like that game.

It's a conundrum of sorts to be an in-betweener in the dating world.  I'm in between EVERYTHING, I think. I am not looking for a husband, nor am I looking for a one-night stand.  I'm somewhere in that black void between being a BBW and a normal girl, and trust me when I say- target audiences VARY there.  I'm not looking for Mr. Right Now for sure, but I'm not beating the bushes to try to flush out Mr. Right, either-- and for that, I'm not certain there is a target audience at all.   

I like to date, don't get me wrong. I like to have somebody to go out with, to talk to and text with 90 times a day and to make plans with... and yeah, that other stuff. I do not enjoy the "go out with Joey on Tuesday and Fred on Thursday and work Todd in on weekends" thing- I do not have that sort of attention span. And, well, I don't want to go from Zero-to-Shacked Up right now.

Historically, the people I've dated and not had bad endings with have been people that I knew first as friends or at least acquaintances, and as a result, when we emerged on the other side of whatever had evolved, we were still friends but with more history and more understanding of one another.  I like that. It appeals to my sense of building relationships as a form of investment and it dispels the concept that people are disposable. I mean, really... I kind of look at a "significant other" for lack of a better term as a friend with an add-on package.  I've still got to have the same ability to have a conversation and share a joke and build a sense of rapport, and then after that, there's all the other stuff.  If the other stuff goes away, the foundation is still there.  So, with that being the sort of person I am, the "audition" aspect of meeting a stranger to see if there's a romantic connection is just flat out exhausting. It's nerve-racking, a little bit humiliating, and kind of like a trip to a seedy strip club, it leaves you feeling a bit dirty when you're done, even if all you did was get a handshake and a cup of coffee. 

Before this past year or so, I'd only dabbled in the world of E-Dating once (that once that I got 'fired' by eHarmony, specifically, which should have been a sign), and it wasn't good then.  Take two hasn't been much better.  This past year has introduced me to a handful of friends... and a handful of people who I had one visit with, and then through some unspoken agreement of The Way Things Work, communication just never happened again.  I only had one truly BAD experience, all told, but still... yes, I'm grateful to have made new friends, but I'm not built for the obstacle course.  The apprehension beforehand of whether you're wearing the right thing, or whether or not you're going to end up at Captive Dinner Theatre with bad chemistry and a slow waiter.  The apprehension afterward... if you felt something and they didn't, there's rejection. If they did and you didn't, there's the need to be nice about it but still be firm in the rejection process.  And then if you both felt something, there's the issue of there being chemistry with no foundation of anything, which is just outside my comfort zone. 

Anyhow- the bottom line is, while I love meeting new people, I've FINALLY come to the conclusion that this is not the way for me to do it. I can't determine, upon saying a first 'hello' what I'm looking for when I'm looking at the other side of that conversation.  I just do not have the ability to tunnel-vision that way, to say "well, I have these positions open and maybe you can fill in here." I'm basically a happy person who doesn't usually feel a particular void that can be so easily labeled, and I find more joy in just organically figuring out that this new person is exactly the thing I didn't know I was looking for... even if it's just as a new movie buddy, or sushi partner, or whatever. 

So, I think I'm going to try out the thing that's worked so well for me before... being friendly and keeping my mind open, but doing it in person and not judging a book by the flyleaf (which is really what a dating profile is, IMO)... and not getting in a hurry. 

I had this conversation with a beloved one yesterday, and she wanted to know if this was "because" of something.  Ah.... no simple answers. Yes, and no.  It was a very recent conversation with an internet-acquaintance-gone-realtime that spurred the thought process, but that's not an attribution of credit for a decision, just for a thought that lead to another one.  I'm not feeling burned or burned-out, just redirected.  Redirection isn't bad at all, and honestly, I just feel the biggest sense of relief now that I've given myself permission to do what it is that I do the most comfortably.

And I still hate Pina Coladas.

title credit: Misunderstood, Better than Ezra